Thursday, June 1, 2006

The Id v. The Ego

Semi-irrespressable urges that happen at work:

1. I want to play Alison Kruass' version of "Working 9-5" very loudly at my desk.  And sing along.  And put it on the speaker.

2.  I want to sit on the stool in the bathroom and see how long it is before anyone notices I've gone "missing."

3.  I want to change the name of the firm to include the word "hell" and see if anyone on the other end of the phone notices.

4.  I want to empty all the cans of compressed air.

5.  I want to leave a trail of paper clips down one hall and up the other one and end at the candy bowl.  "I dunno who did that.  Must've been the candy-guzzlin' paper clip fairy..."

6.  I want to remove the space bar from everyone's keyboard.

7.  I want to replace all the live plants with user-friendly plastic ones.

8.  I want to have my own pink porta potty installed behind my desk.

9.  I want to reorganize the supply closet so that all the rarely used stuff is in the middle and all the pens, clips, paper pads and binders are waaaaaaay on the top.

10.  I want to send out stupid e-mail updates: "The time is now 2:18 PM.  The weather is hot.  The streets are quiet.  A bird just pooped on my car and, since this IS WV, somewhere a half-sister is marrying her half-brother."

11.  I want to roll down the hallway after having taped myself to my chair - just to see if anyone bothers to "rescue" me.

12.  I want to wear sunglasses, tank top, big straw hat and Nicole Ritchie-esque sunglasses while propping up my feet, sipping lemonade and listening to the radio at my desk, just to make a point about how frickin' hot it is out here in the lobby!!!

13.  I want to change the voicemail to say: "Thank you for calling our firm. We care about each and every one of our clients and your call is very important to us - after all - we DO charge you $250 an hour!"

14.  Everyone here has to track their time but me - I should start: .1  Looked out window; .2 looked out window again; .1  tore off sheets of day-by-day calendar; .2  Looked out window...

15.  Wait until the office manager goes into the bathroom.  Turn off lights.

16.  Run to her office.  Do the same.

17.  Steal everyone's family photos.  Rearrange and distribute throughout office.

18.  Hide "Homies" figurines in various places around the office:  the fridge, the freezer, the copier, the urinals...

19.  Walk through the office carrying on a balances conversation with myself - more often than I already do.

20.  Start offering up asinine explanations for everything like the cleaning people do (their latest - the elevator shaft sucks up all the cool air - that's why it's hotter than Hades in our office) "No - I didn't send your call to the wrong email address - the time flux capacitor was on the fritz causing an anomalie that opened up a worm hole that - ate it."


princesssaurora said...

I found you thru the Joe the Journal Editors six pack of blogs... and I am glad I did... you are seriously funny!

be well,

psychfun said...

Hey I got a good one for you! I watch "Got A Secret" on GSN & some guy tin foiled his best friends whole house...and I do mean WHOLE! He did every CD, book etc. They said his friend was still unwrapping things a yr later! They showed video it was so awesome except for the person who it was done too. Guys with too much time on their hands I tell you!