Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Matt v. Ben

I have never laughed so hard in my life!
Watch these videos on the sly as they are NSFW!

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Hangovers and Hubbys

Last night I stayed up until 12:30 a.m. to be a supportive wife and feed my husband's addiction.  As an added bonus - HBO was showing a "Real Sex" show from 1999 that had me absolutely cracking up.  So while Harry was on the computer clicking like a madman to beat the rush of other shoppers trying to buy limited edition shoes - I was upstairs cackling like a madwoman.  
Two very large and very manly women were standing in the front of a class.  Each of these women had a large vagina the size of a frisbee and in very good likeness,  strapped to their waists.  I never saw them gesture to their plastic privates, but obviously there were there as a teaching tool.   I roared with laughter as the men and the women in the audience gave their best oral sex performance - to a slice of peach.  
Mmmm - fruity!
I 'bout fell out of the bed when a woman came in wearing the very best of Wal-mart nighties and laid back on a chaise lounge for a live demonstration.   I could just see this couple at the local discount supercenter talking about their upcoming evening:
"Oh, yes, honey - get the black one. That's nice.  What will I be wearing?  Slacks and a sweater - what else?  I mean - we want realism..."  
How does one talk their significant other into such an ordeal?
My question was answered as the next feature's title flashed across the screen: "Swingstock '99"!  

Harry popped his head in the door about the time a group of very unattractive and floppy parted people began sloshing around in a hot tub under an oversized pup tent. 
"I think I got my shoe-... What are you watching?"
"Real Sex.  Hey - why are most swingers you see really unattractive?  Is it a prerequisite?"  I asked - muting the group sex scene.
"Not sure.  Anyway... blah, blah, shoe, shoe, large black man I worship, number, shoe, seven in the mornin."  Obviously he lost me about halfway through the conversation so I was a little more than a little confused when he barrel rolled out of the bed at seven and said, "You don't have to come, you can just stay here," to which I grunted and went back to sleep.

Two and a half hours later he arrives with a large black box and Chik-n-minis from Chick-fil-a.  While I eat, he rolls the shoes in his hand, carefully removing the paper and holding one in his hand toadmire.   
He looks not unlike a crack whore finding a fix.
"There was a very large man who came in fifteen minutes after me and he needed a size 13, too and I thought, 'oh no - he's going to kill me' but they got in two pair so we were both happy."

Harry's now passed out, face down, half naked on the bed.  I put a teddy bear next to him (a present bought before the Christmas season of uck - but I can't bear to box it up with all the other miniature things) pulled the covers up and tiptoed downstairs to make fun of him, naturally, and his addiction to shoes that cost more than my first car.

Have a great weekend, ya'all and if you see a line in front of the local shoe store - don't fret  for you know the reason they're there.  Shoe-heads...

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Mac Ninja Fun with Photo Booth

So my new Mac has this button on it where you can take your photo like in a Photo Booth. 
It's called - Photo Booth - go figure.
Anyway - here's me being goofy.  
"B&W Holly"  looks confused and a little - odd.
 My screen kept reflecting off of the monitor glare - but POLKA DOTS?!  SO fashion forward!  And - a little backwards...

"Hulk Holly" seen only when trash is not taken out to the curb on Wednesday nights and dishes are put away incorrectly.   

And finally - my own creation!

I love painting software  - all the fun - none of the mess (and we all know I'm messy)!!!

                                                     hee hee

Drowning in the Car Pool

My sister and I, free of children, significant others and responsibilities decided to drag my mother (perpetual whiner) and my father (perpetual weirdo) out to a dinner.
In public.
Most of it went without incident.  Dad only made a few comments that made me want to dive under the rickety table and try to figure out how to stick myself there with the waiting pieces of used gum.  Mom only complained every 2.4 seconds instead of the normal .2.  
All was well.
Until we started home.   
"Hey Holly," Dad said, drowning out Summer who was in mid-story about how Desitin makes for great nose cream in the middle of this cold and flu season.  "What do you call a chicken with E.D. ?"
Yes, ladies and gentlemen of the net - that's my daddy.
"FORGODSAKES! IF EVEN ONE WORD OF THIS RESPONSE IS 'COCK' I'M GOING TO HURT YOU!" I yell over my shoulder to my father who has pulled himself up to the front seat by using my chair as a trampoline.
We all wait in tense silence as dad tries to remember the punchline - and then he grins  the grin of a toothless fool.   "A boneless chicken."
"Huh," I scoff.  "I think you just wanted me to say that word..."
Summer busts out laughing, which, in her "I"m not sick" stage sounds more like a cross between a dying donkey and a phlegmatic monkey when mom grumbles from beneath her Transformers blanket: "I don't get it."

Two minutes later Harry calls to comment on the state of fast food restaurants:

"So, I pull off the interstate and try to decide between McDonald's and Wendy's.  I go to Wendy's and order a Chicken Sandwich, plain and a diet coke.  Pull up to the window where the f'n lady tells me that it'll be six minutes on my grilled chicken so I order a hamburger.   She hands it to me and I ask if it's plain and she says 'no - did you want it plain' so she gets me another one and then asks if anyone has given me my drink and I say no.   She hands me my drink and I leave with my burger and drink.  IT WASN'T EVEN DIET! "   At this point I think he was about to have an aneurysm from the stress of his fast food stop so I ask if I can call him back. 
I then relay the message to my car full of passengers where we all laugh in merriment at my poor husband's "Fast" Food run in.   

I think that's about it on my end - hope everyone's doing great and having fun and all that stuff!    Be careful - check your burgers and watch out for boneless chickens!  ahahahah!

Sunday, February 17, 2008


My husband, much like me, understands the importance of keeping a strangle-hold on one's youth.   
Case in point - my husband's work cubicle - where the fight for justice rages on...
Harry has just said "If you look close you can see [some guy] ready to kick Scarlett in the head!  It's STORMSHADOW!  THEY'LL THINK I'M STUPID - PUT STORMSHADOW!"   And then he growled at me.   
Really, sometimes I do wonder...
And then he pointed out The Simpson's under there, too.    
It's fun trying to blog with a 28 year -old- going on 12 sitting right beside you.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Got Cheese?

I have to admit it.
Have to come clean with my addiction.
I am hopelessly dependent on cheetos and http://icanhascheezburger.com.
This is my reasoning for the latter (the former, I have no excuse) :

funny pictures
moar humorous pics

moar humorous picsfunny pictures
moar humorous picsHumorous Pictures
moar humorous pics

Seriously I could spend HOURS on this site looking up pictures of cats behaving badly!   I'm off to bed now - just had to share!


Brush ups

"Harry!   Get my toothbrush ready for me?!"  I yell to my sweet and darling husband as I start to remove my earrings and rings for the upcoming slumber.  I love my better half.  He's sweet and will do stupid little things like dry the back of my too-thick and not-found-in-nature hair and put toothpaste on my brush for me.  
"Here you go," he garbled around the toothbrush sticking out of his mouth.  He stood in the doorway, boxers riding up on one leg, hair sticking up in a way that would make Jimmy Neutron jealous.
"Uh - that's not mine," I said, looking at him pointedly.  I removed my last bit of silver trinkets and put my hands on my hips.
"Whi - one yers?"  he chewed on the bright orange Oral-B and looked at the one in his hand.
"Uh - that one!" I pointed at his face where my three month old specifically chosen toothbrush was being chomped to shards by the incisors of my true love. 
"Oh," he smiled sheepishly and handed me his new toothbrush that I had just bought him that he had so thoughtfully pasted for me. "Sorry!"
And with that he turned and walked back into the bathroom. 
Now, I'm not squeamish when it comes to bodily fluids and we're all in love and stuff but - ewwwwwwwwwwwww.
I have since segregated my bright orange toothbrush from the other brushes and flossers that live on the left side of the sink in hopes that my hubby's grubby paws will not soon be wrapped around its tiny day-glo neck. 

In better news - I got  the cutest Tiffany silver bracelet for Valentine's day.  
Harry got use of my garage bay for his new birthday present:
Now that's the gift that keeps on giving...

Saturday, February 9, 2008

She Sure is Cute, 666 Birthmark and all...

     I had to post this picture of my adorable niece in a rare moment of semi-inactivity.   Later I'm sure she shimmied up the Christmas tree and tossed ornaments at passerbys' heads while singing the "Popular" song from "Wicked,"  but hey, when you're that cute - you can get away with it!

Do-overs are Not Always a Good Thing...

Another week, another hospital visit.  Plus side?   I can now get my pants, shoes and undies off it .2 seconds flat.   I'm thinking of adding it to my resume under "other skills." 
Turns out I am now the proud owner of a lumpy uterus.  Yup.  Darn thing went YEARS without being used, staying pristine for some unknown reason and one little kid that wasn't turned it - lumpy.    So the powers that be in white lab coats stuck me on some sort of medicine that will "flush it all out"  (greeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaat.) and then stuck me back on the pill.  If it doesn't work then I'm surgery-bound again.  
I'm thinking of taking my story to local high schools to tell teenagers that the worse thing that can happen with sex is NOT pregnancy - but something much, much scarier.
Back at the doctor's office, Harry and I are sitting in the waiting room and I'm adjusting to wearing pants again when a woman and her mother come in and sit across from us.   The woman is pregnant with her third while her first and second spawn run around the tiny room with an inflated rubber glove.  
"GAMMA!  GAMMA!" the older keeps yelling toward the older lady.  "GAMMA!!!!" he yells again, the whine apparent in his young voice as he strains to keep one hand on the face of his younger sister and the other hand holding the glove balloon high above his head.
I'm trying to read.   I really am.  I try not to notice the sibling rivalry that unfolds on the industrial carpet not five feet in front of me.  But then the old lady started giggling.
"When's he gonna notice he's bein' ignored?  'Gamma! Gamma!' I'm not answering you!  I'm ignoring you!" she loudly whispers to her daughter.  
I can't help it.  I hold my book The Island of the Sequined Love Nun to my face and try to smother my laughter.  
"You okay, hon?"  Harry asked me.
"I tried not to listen - I did!" 
"Holly?"  A nurse peeps out of the door and I run for it.

And now, an excerpt from our dinner at Chick-fil-a in which I, once again, got caught playing with my food.
"Whatchadoin?"  Harry asked me as I fingered the packets in my hand.
"I'm building a ketchup fort," I stacked the packets carefully, two one way and then two more the other way.  "See?  It's a ketchup fort... to keep out Colonel Mustard!!!"  
"You just think you're so damn funny, don't you?" 
"Yes!  Now take a picture!"
And he did:
Next time - straw guns and mayonnaise turrets...   :)