Saturday, January 31, 2009

Well, Sheetz!

Next to the mall in our town, the workers are bulldozing diligently to build the new much anticipated Sheetz gas station.

"Damn! They really want to get that Sheetz done!" Harry exclaimed loudly as we motored past.

And now I can't stop laughing as he giggles sheepishly and asks "I'm funny?"

(btw the power came back on- thank god - Thursday night)


Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Misery is my Company

The winter storm that tickled my fancy on Tuesday basically kicked my ass today. At midnight I awoke with a start when the power went off with a resounding boom. As I struggled to find my phone and un-wedge my trusty Maglite from its hiding place between the box spring and wood slat, I felt things shift. Almost like the Universe saw my struggles in the dark and decided to kick the healthily challenged girl while she was down . Alone. In the dark.
Six hours and four mini freakouts later I had a choice to make: go in to work or stay home in the dark with no heat or food.
I used the maglite to illuminate my features as I attempted to put on make up, match seminonwrinkly clothes and then headed out the door.
Funny thing about an auto garage door, it isn't so "auto" without electricity!
I managed to manually lift the door, back out, skate back and then jam the door closed. Only it wouldn't. The door laughed at me with its two inch gap and mocked my lack of power both literally and physically.

I still have no heat, no electricity, no food, and am now tucked into Sis' old room at the 'rents. The bed is so high I now know why chubby women are not asked to mount the pommel horse in the Olympics and I have one old caseless pillow on which to rest my weary head. The bathroom sink is on the fritz so I didn't wash my face and managed only to brush my teeth by using a bottle of conveniently placed spring water.

I'm not sure why the Universe has teamed with Mother Nature to kick my plentiful ass , but come on-haven't I (and all my parts) suffered enough?

And as I peck this perpetually painful blog out on my Iphone, I only have one other question--who out there has a spare room and a desire for a quirky and well-fed roomie for a few days?I'm assured that my power will be on by Sunday at the latest!!!


Tuesday, January 27, 2009

WV --- is closed.

It snowed - a lot. 
So I called into work.   Which is what sane people do when the weather is adverse and they, I dunno, want to live!  Well, imagine my surprise when I get emails and  messages about how since I lived close to work and drove an SUV that it should've been no problem for me to hop on the roads like flippin' Santa Claus and laugh all the way to my job.  
I don't really see how what I drive and my proximity to my worksite is something that should be taken into consideration since ice is nearly impossible to drive upon unless one is operating a Zamboni.  My car is big and white - but NOT Zamboni-like.  
I was more than a little peeved since it almost seemed like my safety and comfort could be measured in distance rather than in normal human emotion. 
But I digress. 

The  point of this blog post is to catch ya'all up on what's been happening since my posts have been thin as of late to say the least. 

1.   My best bud in the whole world, my gal pal of 28 years, has up and moved. 
TO FLIPPIN' KOREA.  She and her husband of less than one year decided that the best way to try out a new marriage is to move to a foreign country and start challenging jobs.  More power to them.   But I'm going to miss her.   Bunches.  So when I came home last Friday night after saying my goodbyes to my bestest and leaning upon my husband for support  - I expected to be comforted.   Instead, this was our exchange:
"I'm sad," I flopped on to the couch and felt tears burn my eyes.  I leaned against Harry who put one strong arm around me. 
"I'm sorry, baby... Here, look at this - it's the 2010 Shelby Mustang package.   What do you think?" I held back from making him eat the paper. Through his nose.
In Harry's defense, he immediately apologized.  But he still insisted on showing me every new perk that Ford has slapped on the new line of Ponies. 
The Mustang we had - is gone.   The Corvette - is soon to be gone.   We're downsizing.   And that's a good thing.  
3.  Harry's on the road again. We have not been apart for over a month.   Although I think there were many times when either my life, or more often, Harry's, hung in the balance, we survived our month together and now I miss him terribly.  In my defense, I was usually only ready to kill him when I had to listen to another set of Homo-erotic announcers call another football game.   I really hate football. 
4.  I'm terrified of this upcoming March.  With Tiffany snug in Korea and Summer usually on Mom-duty - I'm virtually orphaned as Harry goes to Third School for FDIC in Arlington.   I worry that my brain will melt from non-use or worse - I'll be forced to do things on my own. 
5.  And what are those things? Well, for starters, I have yet to pump my own gas in the Acadia since I got it.  Over a year ago.  It's a good streak.  One I don't want to end anytime soon- mainly out of laziness since the disappearance of Full-Service pumps have taken over all of the US. 

That's about it for now. 
I expect everyone to pray for me as I will undoubtedly have to brave the roads to get to work tomorrow - even with the ice.  Better yet.  Don't pray. 
Send me a Zamboni. 
Or a sled with sled dogs and a hot Slush Puppy guy driving them. 

Now, I'm off to scavenge for food. I saw a lonely can of tuna in my cupboard.   But since I'm out of milk, eggs, bread and other staples - I'm thinking "Tuna a la Can" may be what's on the menu at Cafe de Holly tonight!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Better Than an Alarm Clock

"I'm hooooooooooot!" Harry moaned as he flung one Foghorn Leghorn-like leg over mine which was encased in a nicely warmed electric blanket! "Gaad! Is your blanket on? What the hell - it's hooooooooot in here!" Flopping around like a fish out of water he rearranged his pillow tower until the cool ones were on top and then huffed and puffed until he was perched on them like a pretty, pretty pillow-miser princess.

"Do you want a drink of my water?" I asked as I rolled over to my stomach and eyed (blurily, as my glasses were not on my face) the full glass of water and ice on my bedside table.

"No," he whined and then started re-arranging his pillows again.

"Fine. Night!" I was exhausted and so close to sleep when I felt him launch himself over me, settle in a straddle on the back of my knee caps and grab my cup off the bedside table. I heard him crunch on the ice and then gasped as he dribbled the ice cold water into my butt crack!

I screamed and he laughed - causing more of the ice cold liquid to soak into the back of my underwear.

Finishing his ice he giggled, rolled back to his spot on the bed and dreamed peacefully of the other things he will do to torture his wife.

I, on the other hand, plotted ways to get even for the ice-water-undies-soaking of 2009. I'm thinking sneak attacks like - not using fabric softeners on his man panties, replacing his shampoo with something strawberry scented and making him watch all four seasons of "One Tree Hill" from the WB.

Oh yeah! That'll teach him!

Grin and Bear it...

Last night, while watching "Man v Wild," I gasped as Bear Grylls caught a catfish barehanded and then urinated on his cuts to relieve the pain.

"Really? You find him sexy? Covered in dirt and fish guts and pee- and you still think he's hot?" Harry pointed to the screen.

I glanced over to the tv, grimaced as Bear ripped into the fish with his teeth and then sighed, "Hell yeah, I do!"

"So if I come home smelling like fish and pee, you'd find me sexy?"

"Sure... After you've taken a shower .. Or two...Oooh, look! He's fixing a canoe with tree sap!"

Marital bliss is often tried by Reality TV... :)

Eat me.

Have you ever sat down, eaten an entire lunch and then find yourself utterly confused. Ten minutes later? See, I just scarffed down a chicken sandwich of questionable expiration date value while frantically trying to download an App on my Iphone to listen to the B-man take his oath-and now I can't remember eating it. So, now I'm hungry.

But the important question is: how many of you were worried this was another sex-related post?


Sunday, January 18, 2009

You do VooDoo, Don't You?

I am starting to believe that there is someone out there holding a little hair-doll of me (I do shed a lot - it wouldn't be hard to find a clump or two!), a large hat pin and a grudge.   I am convinced that this person is hell bent on providing me the most pain with the little Voodoo Holl-doll at the most inopportune times - like - I dunno - during "marital relations"!!!!  

I mean, can you think of a worse time to be struck numb and dumb by a mind-crushing head pain?

There I am, in mid coital bliss, not caring that my jubblies were jiggling or that my hair was a sweaty mess or that my glasses, thrown to the side some minutes before, may be under parts of me where no glasses have ever gone before when BAM!   A pain shot through my head and waves of nausea struck me.   I moaned in pain, instantly sending mixed signals to my happily unaware hubby, who responded by getting more enthusiastic until I dismounted and curled into a ball.  

The only coherent thought/word that kept popping up into my pained head was : Aneurysm.  

After four minutes of using my hands to hold my brains in, the pain subsided and Harry, shaken but not stirred, went back to watching Barret-Jackson auction off some more cars that no one could afford.   

There is no pain this morning.   The sharp stabbing head-pin is gone... for now.  But I'm wary of its return. 

So - I guess it's back to Celibacy for me and crying for Harry!

Oh - and I promise that not every entry is going to involve me and my piling ailments.    There's only so many times a gal can get sick/ have migraines/ sprain her vagina - right?  Right?  

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Sick of Being Sick

I stayed home from work yesterday after waking up and regurgitating my forty dollar dinner from the night before. I swear, I have puked more in the past three months than I have in my whole life!

Short of bathing in hand sanitized -what else can I do to keep from getting all icky?

I'm sure that when Harry signed on for "for better or worse" - this is not what he had in mind!!!


Thursday, January 1, 2009

Iphone my blog!

Today...I bought an iPhone. I have come to the darkside, boogied with Vader and am not looking back!!!

I'm posting this from my nifty phone so let's just see if it works!!!

Happy New Year Everybody!!!!