Friday, October 31, 2008

Autographs, anyone???

I'm a starrrrr!

If you go to this video at WSAZ you can see me talking to someone about a potential job toward the end of the video right after the dude talks about Minimum wage. I have on a black sweater and headband.

Holly in Action!!!

hee hee

What's the Opposite of a Drug Pusher?

After a rather hectic day yesterday where I awoke late, had a horrible hair day, walked into a pile of work and then got blocked in to the parking lot by a doctor that couldn't be bothered with finding an actual space to park her damn car, I actually welcomed today as a day off.
Even if it did mean subjecting myself to the horrors of oral surgery.

Fortunately for me, but rather unfortunate for my readers, things went off without a hitch and I am now one less Wisdom tooth than I was this time yesterday. I arrived right on time, waited for a short period, didn't even balk at the IV (I know - what happened to my severe needlephobia, right?) and woke up an hour later a lot numb and a little sore.

So now I'm only have two problems.
1. My urine smells like a doctor's office (maybe due to the IV? dunno...)
2. And Harry seems to think that taking my pain pills every three hours as directed is the correct way to dispense my medication! Whatevs!
(sorta #3 - instead of not being able to eat much I have instead been eating on the left side and have been hungry as a whole table full of Hungry, Hungry Hippos. Only instead of gobbling up tiny pellets of white I have been chomping on soup, pasta, biscuits, and anything else I can get my chubby little hands on while mushing them up and shoving them carefully into the back of my left cheek!)

Plus this whole oral surgery thing has been killing the vegetarian streak I've been on! After some particularly horrible encounters with improperly cooked, seasoned, cut meat I gave it up for about a month now.

However, don't get me wrong. I shall not soon be buying hemp bras and shouting "fur is murder!" at every clueless Ugg-boot wearer that passes by, but I have become more selective. I am more a "Selectetarian" rather than a Vegetarian. And I'm loving the cookbook "How to Cook Everything Vegetarian." With pages filled with a complete listing of sides to desserts - it's a great place to find something that will tickle your fancy while leaving the carnivorous part of you only slightly wanting.

Anyhoo - Harry's gone out to get me some gravy and biscuits (I AM WV'ian after all) and we're two hours into "The Good Shepherd" which is kinda like the movie "Breech" - long and boring. But Harry's enjoying it and since he was the one who had to go through the pain of dealing with me after the pain of dealing with my surgery - I guess he deserves it, right?

Have a great weekend everyone and send happy "non-dry-sockety" thoughts my way!!!

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Write or Wrong

Last night I sat down to write out an outline for a new story idea I had. I knew that I wanted to write about a love triangle but not the typical "Girl meets bad boy, girl meets good boy and just can't choose" and we all know she will end up with the cuddly librarian rather than the sleek-suited lawyerman with the silver tongue by page four. I wanted it to be real. So I wrote ten pages in a row, no editing, no backspacing, just writing until I realized - it was boring as hell.
So I closed out without saving.

This is how I've been for a year now.
Writing, flowing, brainstorming, editing and, ultimately, deleting it all.

So now I ask of you - what do you read or want to read?
What's not been written that you want to be written?

Just curious...

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Say What?!

After reading this on my sister's myspace blog, I had to repost it here.
I'm now seeing how having a child can not only be a rewarding experience for the normal stuff - but would also provide a wealth of blog-worthy stuff!

Kids Say the Damndest Things!

Gilly was playin her Shrek Vsmile game while I was cleanin her room up ( she had already done her part, BTW) and she was giving me the play-by-play. "Ok, Momma. Dis is the part wif da games. Options, players and boners."
"And what?"
"Boners. Dhey are hard fings dat you get. When you try hard. To get hard fings"
I just wanted to see how much funnier this could get. " So where do you get the boners?"
"On Shrek?"
"Yeah, on Shrek. Where do you get the Boners?"
And I swear, I felt bad for making her say this but she did, indeed say it. "Where Princess Fiona is. Where its wet. Dats where da Boners are."

And my grandmother was with my cuz and her kids today at Walmart. Nan Nan and Laynie went to the potty and when Laynie was all done she hollered, "Nan Nan! I need you to get in here and wiped my DAMNED ASS!!''
My church-going Nan Nan was shocked! And embarrased! She scolded Laynie and told her that Jesus did NOT like Good Little Girls to talk LIKE THAT!!
"Oh yeah. Sorry. Well, can you please wipe my damned BUTT, please?"
Ya gotta love 'em!

I have laughed until I cried reading this and had to share!!!

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hell is a Wal-mart on Payday...

Tonight was my father's 63rd (? I think that's it - or 64)birthday.  

My sister procured some fine Jim's spaghetti sauce (he can eat the noodles easily with less than his normal number of teeth) while I was to get him a gift card. I picked my aisle carefully as our Wal-mart is incapable of opening up more than four lanes at any given time. I found one in which a lady and her two loud children had piled only aisles 1-4 in the tiny, now fragile-looking buggy. And as I stood there in the line at Walmart (my own version of hell) I realized with a cold horror that my wallet was not in my possession. That it was, more than likely, in the passenger seat of my car and the apple, which I thought I had pulled out of my purse, was snuggled in the bottom of my SAK purse instead - mocking me appley.  

Asking the cashier to hold my purchases (ice cream and a card with a monkey draped in a towel with an inscription that proclaimed "It's your birthday... Go APE SHEET!" on the inside) I ran to the parking lot to get my wallet while weaving and ducking in between the minivans and clunkers that blocked my path. I threw open my car's door and found it sitting guiltily next to my pb sandwich that I didn't have time to eat for lunch. I snatched it up with one hand and ran back into the hellacious mega-atore where I almost had a brush with death as a Granny in a Buick tried to make the crosswalk into her own version of Roadkill Alley.  

I was now "glistening" like a pantiless whore in church and as I rounded Lane 7 I found myself nose to neck of a large sweaty man, his wife, their two buggies and what was roughly the contents of aisles 4-12.  
I huffed, I puffed, I blew my bangs out of my face and then flipped open my pink phone. "Yeah, mom? Tell DAD I may be LATE for his BIRTHDAY!!! Yeah - I'm going to be here for quite some time... Yeah - I know... but he'll have others, right? Hopefully?" Yeah - subtle, I'm not.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

A Dinner with Harry and Meme

Why do I look weird in this picture?

Well, this is the pained expressin that graces my mug after an evening with the Hubby and his grandmother, Meme.

We went to dinner, running like mad to beat the be-sparkled youth of Homecoming weekend and landing in our seats in mere minutes.

And then the conversation starts.
"Meme have you been using your computer?"
Insert four minutes of "What"s and "Huh"s before she finally understands what he's said and Word War I is getting ready to start over a talk about an HP touch screen computer and its attributes.

After dinner, I'm frazzled, but holding up well until Meme mentions that since she couldn't get the mattress off the guest bed she just put the Dust Ruffle ON TOP of the mattress. Harry starts pulling off the comforter and sheets to put it on right and just about the time that he is balancing the pillow-top on his sweaty brow is when little Meme decides to say "Can you flip it? It needs to be flipped, too! I couldn't do it - can you? Flip it? I could've done it myself. Can you? Flip it?"

So Harry, of course, flips out.

I hurry to smooth the edges of the dust ruffle out while Harry bellows and guffaws while clutching the mattress with Meme still calling to him repeatedly to "flip it" and "come here - look what I've done!" while poking a pencil top toward her computer screen.

If one man could spontaneously combust with only the heat of aggravation - then there'd surely be a mushroom cloud over Huntington right now.



Friday, October 17, 2008

Cheater, Cheater, Plastic Eater?

Over a dinner at Max and  Erma's of cheese fries and a salad (oh yeah - it all balances out) Harry and I were discussing an acquaintance who had cheated on their significantly hotter-than-they-deserved other half. 

And that got me thinking about a cat I had named Corey. 

He was - to say it blunt - freakin' weird. 

First of all - he was forty pounds, round as a basketball and loved nothing more than presenting his belly for all the world to pet and then, just when your finger tips would lower onto the purring mound, he'd wiggle, jiggle and lash out at you with his saber-tooth inspired teeth.  

I still have scars.

But I digress. 

Corey was an interesting kitty. He was orange and when we found his scrawny butt at the pound he promptly climbed the backseat of the car, squatted and defecated in the window for all the world to see.   This attitude would prevail for the rest of his life.  
His favorite thing to do, more than eating through the side of a new bag of Meow Mix, was to climb, face-first, into a plastic shopping bag and press his face to the side.  
For hours on end he would lick the bag, pink tongue flipping from one end of the "Wal" to the other side of the "Mart."  We half-feared he would suffocate himself but due to the fact that we liked having five fingers on our hands, we let him lick the plastic bags as he saw fit. 

The vet, when we finally called him, laughed and said "Well, he must be getting something from it that he thinks he needs.  Something his diet is missing."

So is this what people do when they go outside their relationship?
Are they just looking for what's missing?
Trying like hell to find a way to get what they think they need?

Or are they just bunch of bag-lickers?

Thursday, October 16, 2008

In a New York Minute

Another tidbit from our trip:

It had been a long week and, let's face it, with all the walking, the stairs and the just all around spread-outness of NYC, the city is not exactly crippled-friendly, so by the time Friday rolled around, my legs were beyond achy. 

So when we went to Macy's , the crowds, the pushing, the shoving and the hugeness of the store became too much for me, coupled with my aches and pains. 

So we bought my Dooney and Bourke handbag (What?!  I had to have it!) and headed for the heavy revolving door.  I wanted nothing more than to find a cab, find our hotel and find a large influx of Tylenol.

Harry, sensing my weariness and being the good husband that he is
 went before me in the revolving door and, not wanting me to have to exert any strength in the least, decided to push as hard as he could.  Imitating what could only be a Hamster full of speed-laced food pellets on a sideways wheel, Harry ran at full force while I was trapped in the turn-style behind him.   
Helplessly, I crashed against one side of my small glass cage and then against the other as Harry continued to sprint at Mach 10. 

He only stopped when my leg got caught in the door. 

And that, my dear readers, is the day a WVian man was almost killed by a chubby, red-faced woman on the steps of Macy's, the biggest store in the United States  and the happiest place on earth to many credit card carrying fashionistas! 


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Bird's Eye View of "Equus"

Last week Harry and I ventured to NYC to see Equus - but first - a tidbit from the trip:

Riding the subway can be a scary event. Especially if Harry's in your car. For some reason Harry decided that he was "too cool" to grab the bar so as the car lurched forward, Harry lurched backwards, into the arms of a stranger who looked affronted that a large WVian was now cuddled against his belly. Harry apologized, I cackled and we went on to find the big bookstore called "The Strand." Later, as we rushed to make the shuttle back to Times Square after a particularly wonderful dinner at Michael Jordan's restaurant in Grand Central, I hopped the doors as they were closing, wrapped my hand around a pole and sat my large butt into an orange plastic chair. Harry, on the other hand, was in mid-sit when the car moved with a start and Harry sat down hard - on a guy in a suit.
I laughed so hard that I worried my steak would make a reappearance.

And now for my no-hold's-barred description of "Equus" aka "The Naked Harry Potter Play." If you're offended by frank language and accurate descriptions - leave now or forever hold your peace...


Going to see “Equus” on Broadway was a purely selfish endeavor. I’m not often allowed such luxuries since most of what I do in life is for the benefit of others. Rarely do I allow myself to commit a purely irrational act of selfishness. But going to see Daniel Radcliffe bare his proverbial “magic wand” on stage in NYC was not one I was likely to let get past me.

So when tickets became available I sicced my husband on them like a WV Pit bull on a toddler. And he walked away with not two tickets, but four. On two different nights. The first night was for “on stage seating” – the second – Orchestra - Row N.

This is my account of the first night, Tuesday, October 7, 2008, at the Broadhurst Theater in NYC. Row A. On Stage.

We arrive early and immediately hop in line behind two obvious HPphites. Only after listening to their incessant prattling for ten minutes do we realize that we’re in the wrong line. After being instructed to line up in a different que we find ourselves behind a woman with “Harry Potter” emblazoned in hand-inked loveliness on her jean jacket. I was jealous only because it appeared to me that the boy-wonder himself had scrawled his name on her upper shoulder. Hell, I would’ve handed him a sharpie myself during the play but he was busy getting all naked and stuff. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

The theater was small and as we were directed to our seats we were told by a tiny gal I could easily bench press that we’re to turn off our phones, show her and then show the guards, too, that we’ve powered down. After a frantic bathroom break for the man with the ever-shrinking bladder (Harry never used to pee. I swear the boy’s insides floated through the first five years of our togetherness) we were shown to a stage door and then up a set of stairs that, for once, I didn’t mind climbing.

We were dead center, hanging right over the stage. I could see every bit of dust as it landed on the Tetris-shaped platform in the middle of the stage that housed four blocks placed in each corner.

I liked these seats.

The only thing that left much to be desired was that in order to see the action below, one had to roll forward and sit in a semi-kneeling, semi-praying position. Only when my legs ached and my toes tingled with loss of feeling did I dare to move as the pseudo-gay guy next to me was completely spreading his legs next to me as if his package was just that huge that it required plenty of berth in order for them to breathe. “Whatev!” I wanted to scream at him, but instead I leaned into my poor hubby, thanking God he’d already visited the restroom since I was now giving his manparts no room to guzzle oxygen.

The lights dimmed and four men wearing fleshy see-through bodysuits slowly walked out and plucked, in unison, the metal horse heads from around the walls of the stage. The play opened up with Richard Griffiths describing “Alan Strang” and how he came to be a patient of his psychiatric services. Daniel Radcliffe, looking very pale, but trim, and a bit hairy, leaned lovingly against a large man who was wearing the horsey brown velour pants and fleshy brown body suit.

I won’t go into every detail, but I will say that the play has its moments of disturbing, its moments of well-crafted funnies, and its moments of tender as we see the walls around “Alan” break down and his attempts to hide his reasoning for blinding six horses that he worshipped.

Being in a bird’s eye view spot of the actors, I noticed that Daniel as “Alan” spent a lot of time facing us, with his back to the audience at large. This gave me a chance to look for breaks in character, to watch him to see if he was truly someone who was acting for the craft or acting for lack of something better to do. I should’ve known better. I never saw a single crack (so to speak).

The four rectangle blocks that were moved from various spots on the tetris-floor in order to make platforms, beds, couches, chairs, etc. had bits of paint removed as “Alan” picked at them when he sat in uncomfortable silence in his “room.”

Daniel shook at times, he fidgeted, he wrung his hands and bit at his fingers. I noticed a scratch on one of his arms as he raked his nails down its length. He still didn’t break character.
Even when a chubby chick with accidental cleavage was staring him down from the stage tops.

After intermission came the scene where the audience finally finds out why Alan, someone who supposedly loves horses, took a hook and blinded six of them in one night.


As Alan and Jill, a girl who also works at the stable, return from a rather interesting date, Jill cajoles him into coming back to the stable to basically forniacate in the hay.

Alan, who loves horses almost to the point of no return and God-like worship, is not happy with the situation since his pony-friends are in the stalls next door.

And as they stand on either side of the four rectangular boxes pushed together and then lit to look like hay, they begin undressing in a very non-sexy but young-like game of “I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” The awkwardness is thick in the air as we all think of the awkwardness that is nakedness.

She stands to one side of the “hay” and he to the other. The last to go is her cotton undies and his plain white boxers (I imagine this is to signify the somewhat innocent act of what they are doing – but I’m interjecting my own thought here).
And there was Daniel Radcliffe, not Alan, not in my mind anyway, with a slight trail of hair leading to his dick. And since I promised not to mince words – I won’t. It wasn’t large. From what I could tell, about three inches, but in his defense – he was in front of a large audience and it was cold in there- and I believe he may be still sporting a turtleneck. It was very nice in color, darker pink and well proportioned to him. His testicles were quite grandiose in comparison, evenly distributed and again, well proportioned and not too hairy at all. ☺

And his butt was pretty darn nice and a bit bubbly if not, of course, pale.
So there’s too much information for you.

But you know what? For about 30 seconds I was enthralled with the nakedness but then it was gone. I could only watch with bated breathe as “Alan” came back and screamed and threatened Jill out of the barn when he realized he was upsetting his favorite horse, “Nugget” by attempting to sleep with Jill instead of riding Nugget in his usual sexual frenzy.
Worried and alarmed by what he thought he heard the horses say in their stalls, “Alan” flies around the stage, to each stall and jumped up by planting a foot on the stall door, still naked mind you, and blinded the horses in their stall. What follows is a two-minute scene of horses and “Alan” running around the stage in a blind panic before he collapses on to the blocks in the middle of the stage before the shrink shoes up to cover him up and hold him as he wails in pain.

I was amazed at the raw and powerfulness of the play. And this is when the majority of it was played to an audience in front of me instead of directly toward me.

Wonder if it will be any different when I see it front the proper angle?

We’ll see…

Updated from Tuesday: No – it wasn’t. Wait – it was. It was better.

Curbing your Appetite

It was a day like any other day. I was hungry. It was 9am and I was impatiently waiting for lunch. Since I had a good three hours to come up with something so appetizing it would make the rest of the afternoon speed by, I considered all my options and listed pros and cons in my already filled-too-full brain.

So, logically, I choose Taco Bell.

Unfortunately, so did the girl in the dark green Pontiac Grand Am in front of me.

I pulled in behind her in the drive thru, ignoring the fact that she had obviously pulled in at a very unnatural angle and then watched as she slowly rolled her back tire and rim over the first curb. Feeling embarrassed for her, I did not gape at her through my opened window but instead concentrated on finding the "Mamma Mia" soundtrack on my Ipod.

But as she pulled up to the window I cringed as I watched her wedge the relatively unscathed door panel against the bright yellow pole and then curb her rim again.

I could barely contain my horror as she then grabbed her carb-laden food from the hand of the Taco Bell Staffer and peeled off - rocking her tiny car again by slamming it into the next torturous curb.

Apparently she received her license at "Rock-em-Sock-em Bumper Cars."

Needless to say I gave her plenty of space when I pulled up behind her at the light to exit on to Route 60 lest she confuse my SUV with a high curb that needed to be climbed!


Sunday, October 12, 2008

Back in the Hills of WV

We're back from vacation and BOY am I exhausted!
Even today's activities of sitting on a couch, laying on a couch, eating on a couch, watching tv from the couch and laying back down on a couch was just too much.  I need to take another week off of work to recoop!   :)

Anyhoo - I will have many more details to post later - as well as a few pics - I took very very few since most of the NY spots we visited had strict "NO PHOTOGRAPHS!" signs everywhere and I will also be posting a very detailed post on my two "Equus" experiences.  Some may not be for all eyes but goshdarnit had I not made it to see Daniel Radcliffe in his b-day suit I'd want a more accurate description than "not too big," ya know?  So fair warning on that front, k?

As for when I'll be posting this blog it will more than likely occur after I move this blog to its new home.  I'm planning on tackling that move tomorrow since the big "announcement" occurred right before my vacation and I had no patience to even TRY to attempt a journal relocation when my mind was filled with packing all the necessities - which I did - the only thing I forgot was lotion - so 'scuse me if some of my pics are a bit scaly - k?


I'm off to bed now and I will be sure to let you all know where my new www.home with be.   I have started my own website so I'm thinking about starting fresh from there or figuring out how to point a blog from there to my new blogger blog (which won't really be new it will be this one - wait - what?  I even lost myself on that thought!  :)  ).  So - if anyone has any ideas - I'm open!

Email me or comment me!


Monday, October 6, 2008

Vacation Night One

Howdy folks!  The universe is a teeny thing, ya know?  You can be walking down the street in Times Square, husband clutching your arm like a fever-fueled zombie-man and BOOM! That's when you hear it:

"OH MY GAWD!  IS THAT HOLLLLLLY?!"  Sure enough, Erica, Melissa, two gals I went to high school with in Ona, WV, and another friend were standing in the doorway of Bubba Gump's.   How funny is that?!  We're HOURS away from WV and I run into a gal I've known since neon capris were popular the first time around!   

They were here to see Madonna but came a day too early and were just seeing the sights.  

Harry looked a bit scared but managed to snap a pic of us hanging out in Times Square...

Which will be posted later.

We're back in the room now as it's been a long day followed by the shock and awe of having a room in the Hilton over looking the plays in Time Square and then going to Bar Americain for dinner which wasn't too bad but waaaay overpriced considering my favorite dish was the side of spicy chips and warm blue cheese sauce...

So - off to bed we go!

Tomorrow we will venture underground to the ubercreepy subway and then off to find a comic book store that's supposed to be really neat-o and a book store that's supposed to be 8 blocks long!  I'm sooo happy - I'll be like a fat kid in a candy store.  Then again, I was a fat kid in a candy store today when we stopped in Hershey, PA today and had horrible food, horrible chocolate and just an overall horrible experience.  The fun-loving Reese cup man that greeted us from atop the building, smiling his welcoming plastic smile, seemed to mock us for wasting our time as we grumbled toward the parking lot.  

But - NYC is, so far, great! Expensive!  But GREAT!

I'm not sure how often Harry will be willing to pay for the 'net so it may be some time before I can blog again!

My only regret is that I didn't see if Tylenol made shots so that I could've just directly injected myself with their lovely pain-relieving power...  Ahhh - my feet!   Stupid "bouncing souls" of Doc Martens!  Tomorrow I'm trading you in for some handy Asics Tennis Shoes!!!!

OH - and tomorrow is when I have stage-seating for "Equus."  And seeing as how my sake of modesty is just under that of a French Prostitute's I will be posting everysingle gory descriptive detail that I can muster.

Ye be heartily warned...


                                      Giddy up, ya'all...

Vacation Day One

Hi all!

We've made it to MD and went shopping at some outlets, drove too far to eat at an Italian joint and then spent the night trying not to kill each other over too-fluffy pillows, a blanket that wouldn't stay put and the thermostat!

However, we're still alive and have just filled up on a lovely carb-filled and FREE breakfast of bagels, sausage, bacon, pop tarts, eggs, potatoes and cheese and other lovely sugary and starchy combos!

Now we're off to drive the rest of the way to the Big Apple of New York and hope to make it there in one piece. However, seeing as how we're in the "Executive Center" right off of the lobby and I've managed to fumble the one job I had to do (stapling together the Mapquested pages) by lodging a staple in the stupid stapler I don't see me surviving.  So if one of you happen to be driving by the Interstate between MD and NY and see a lone, sad, chubby gal in an unfortunate outfit of red sweater and bright blue tank, please stop and offer her a ride 'cause she may have just gotten kicked out of a moving SUV!


Saturday, October 4, 2008

How 'bout Them Apples?

Tomorrow morning we pack the car with the laptops, the gadgets, gizmos, snacks, dvd's, cd's, Ipods, cell phones, books, magazines, notebooks, pens, markers, maps, confirmation sheets, gas cards, credit cards, luggage, overnight bags and, if there's room, Harry and me.  

After one overnight stay we will find ourselves once again in the midst of New York City.  Two hillbillies, in desperate need of a vacation, will then attempt to eat ourselves into food-related comas by midnight every night after going on tours, seeing naked people on Broadway, and basically trying to soak up enough culture to last us for the rest of the year.   

And I could really use a vacation.  My life is beyond hectic at the moment and I'm never without the high-pitched "Squuueeeeee!" of the gears of my mind working overtime to attempt to put things in perspective.   And now with this AOL thing.  Grr.  Anyhoo.  I plan on having a good time and coming back with some souveniers, stories, new accessories and at least five extra pounds 'round my ever-expanding bottom.

Wish me luck, send me happy thoughts and I hope everyone has fun this week! I know I will be!


Thursday, October 2, 2008

Well, Screw you Too.

So - AOL Journals is closing.
We've been evicted.
Thrown out.
With less than a month's notice.

It's incomprehensible right now.
I will write more later.
When I'm less mad.

Or more mad.