This Monday, June 21st, marks my seven-year wedding anniversary with my hubs and we hit the "Seven Year Itch." Based on pre-conceived and popular notions, I believe this seven year milestone entitles me to a Pool Boy. Or a Gardner.
I mean, seriously. It's hot here and I've got some overgrown bushes. No, really, I do.
As is well documented, my baby makes no small show when he is making "presents." So while my sister was enjoying the lunch I made for her, my darling baby decided to start grunting like a pig in heat.
Rushing like a footballer, I tucked him under my arm and rushed to the changing table and, breathing only through my mouth lest I pass out from the foulness and squish my newbie, I pulled down his diaper. Elmo seemed to be warning me from the waistband, but I pressed on.
It was empty.
"Well, Harry!" I said and stepped off to the side to grab the nail clippers as his tiny toe just cut a gash in my arm.
I turned back around to see - a fountain. My baby was grinning and peeing a stream that was reaching a good two feet in the air and drowning the yellow duckies on his footy pajamas.
"You did that on purpose," I said to him as I stripped him down to his (new) diaper.
He's been like that all day.
Earlier he grabbed my thumb between his two pink gums and chomped and then licked it. When I asked for it back - he grinned - not releasing my digit but instead having a grand ol' time increasing pressure slowly - just to see what I would do.
I may have watched too much "Family Guy" while I was pregnant...
Today I revisited my youth by volunteering mine and my sister's services as pageant judges. In the pre-JeanBenet world of pageantry, the biggest "Glitz" accessory was the occasional can of spray glitter or a "flipper" to fill in that one missing front tooth. So I am often unprepared for the amount of preparation that goes into pageants nowadays.
Case in point - a two year old today rocked a red, white and blue outfit as per the pageant requirements. But her mother had also sewn little seahorses and fish to the bottom of her sailor dress.
"Ohmygaw!" Summer gasped as the little girl turned to leave the stage and showed us the back of the tiny dress adorning her two year old frame.
Her bottom was completely covered in a red and white Lifesaver Tube.
As Summer and I left the pageant today, we were all a twitter (the emo not the app) because the director saw fit to give us two of the leftover star-spangled crowns. You'd have thought we won them the way we oohed and awwed over the tiny crowns with a red, white and blue star upon each.
"Arewegonnawearthemhome?" my sister asked in her normal non-pausing way, face shining with hope and anticipation.
"Well, duh!" I said and, as soon as we were safe inside her rustic Ford pickup - we plunked them on to our heads and adjusted our hair appropriately as any princess knows that hair placement is as important as the crown placement.
Pulling up to the window at Burger King we watched as each employee came to the window and handed us our change/food. And then paused. And looked at our sparkly heads.