Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Diets are for the weak-willed...

So - I went low-carb for all of three days.  I avoided plump potatoes, succulent bread and pearly pasta like they were the plague.  All was well until I went to lunch today.  I was taunted and forced to eat a large cheeseburger and french-cut fries!  The horrors!

Actually, it was damn good.

The aforementioned act of unabashed gluttony is the reason why I deem diets are for the weak-willed, like me.  I have no will-power, I really truly believe that I need cake, pie, and soda on a daily basis.  I will shrivel to nothing without a bite of an onion ring.  There is a good chance that I will not make it  through the rest of the day without a tasty tidbit from the candy bowl that perches within reach at the edge of my desk.  I have been on weight watchers (lost 10 pounds, gained fifteen) which caused me to freak out over the point value of a pickle (eat one, you get no points, eat ten, you get two points!  How can nothing plus ten more nothings equal two!) and comfort eat an entire Hot and Ready Pizza.  I tried the Low Fat diet, but couldn't understand how something as beautiful as Sharp Cheddar could be construed as "bad" - quickly gave it up so as to not offend the dairy gods.  Last, I tried the South Beach Diet - no fruit, no sugar, limited fat, limited calories, and eating small meals many times a day.  I did okay.  Lost a total of 30 pounds.  Felt good. 

Went on Vacation - to Hawaii - land of the pineapples.  Ate lots of fruit -  had a wonderful time.

South Beach just wasn't the same after that - sitting down to small green meals that mocked me left me feeling empty.  I yearned for fruit.  So I cheated, and cheated, and cheated some more.  I indulged in unadulterated carnal pleasure with various edible delicassies.

I gained back ten pounds.

So now, I sit here, wanting to lose those ten pounds, and wishing to drop another thirty for the hell of it.

So - again - I swear off fruit, I swear off sugar and I swear to be good.

Shoot - I have an apple in my purse and Laffy Taffy in my desk!  Ok - well - they'll be there to tempt me if I don't eat them today - they'll taunt me tomorrow when  I'm "being good."

Tommorrow, then.  Tomorrow I will start my new diet.  I can feel my will power growing like - like - um... growing like... cookies on a baking sheet!  Mmmm... Cookies... 

Monday, December 6, 2004

Sometimes I wonder how I have managed to live this long...

My toilet handle is broken in my bathroom again - it just doesn't work - so last Tuesday I took the back of the tank off and all you had to do was tug on the handle from the inside and WHOOSH! it would flush.  This morning, fully dressed and ready to leave - I went to the bathroom and attempted to flush the toilet - the handle broke off inside the tank which left me no choice but to submerge my arm, up to my elbow, in the tank to fish it out.  
After securing the broken arm to the now-useless handle with a pony-tail tweekie, I went to the sink to wash up.
Smacking the soap dispenser - I watched in horror as a stream of yellow anti-bacterial soap flew out of the dispenser at Mach 8 speed and landed on my sweater.  I did the dance of frustration in my bathroom (which includes chants of four-letter words and some throwing of towels and other soft objects) and began cleaning the goo off my sweater, sink, basin, cabinets and floor.  
Twenty minutes later, I am at work, goo-free (for the most part) and wondering what else could go wrong today?!

With some trepidation - I realize that I agreed to go bowling tonight with some friends.  
Please watch your local news to make sure that nothing is reported concerning a "special" girl and a horrible accident involving the ball polisher.