Thursday, November 29, 2012

I am Super (Sand) Man

If I were given a wish to have a super power that could be anything in the world - I would not hesitate to seal my fate.  In my younger days I'd have wished for Teleportation power or Telepathic power, or even the power to be able to calculate a 20% tip in just seconds (this is my husband's power - one he flaunts every time we go out to eat). 
But now that I'm a mom, and I'm old, and I am sleeping in storage (the renovation is nearing it's end! yay!) I wish for just one Super Power ---

To be able to fall asleep instantaneously.  
I would love to be able to say "Hey! It's 10pm and the kid will be up at 6am! I need to go to sleep!" and then drift seamlessly off into Dreamland to meet up with Nathan Fillion and Jeremy Renner on a fluffy cloud pillow in the sky.  Nakeys.  

But I digress.  

A lot.  Mmmm.....  :)


Ever since my kid was born it's like I can't get enough of the good stuff - that REM sleep that turns people into true humans and separates the Perky from the Petulant.   I'm pretty sure that, at one time, I considered myself "too bored to function" and would nap just for the hell of it.  I used to spend hours just lounging in bed doing nothing but dozing until the clock would roll from single digits to double and back to singles again.  That girl could sleep in a car, a bed, on a couch, and even, on the rare occasion, at her desk at work.  :)

I hate that girl.  

Now I go to bed by 12am, knowing that I will drift off into the Land of Total Exhaustion by 2am.  If I go to bed earlier - I still don't clock out until 2am.  
Get up earlier?
It's like my body is trying to rid itself of all possible energy before hitting the internal Snooze Button. 
But why?
I have a kid to take care of!
A house to pretend to clean!
Laundry that must be sorted and never washed!
A bathtub and toilets that must be noted to clean "later"!

I think I'm just reverse aging.  My body is slowing down but my mind is speeding up.  Like some kind of cruel twist of fate, I am destined to be the smartest person I know (ahahah! ) but have the reflexes of a half-dead turtle.  

Maybe someday I'll be granted those awesome Super Power of Sleep  --- or a prescription for Ambien. 
You know, whatever comes first! :)

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Daddy Dearest

"Remember the time that your sister in law and her doctor-to-be husband came over for the first time and Dad tripped over the baby gate at the end of the stairs, flipped, barrel rolled and then stood up and said, 'I'm okay.'?"

"Hey - remember when he tried to move the metal chairs from the upper deck to the lower deck but didn't want to take the time to move the chairs into a recline so they kept smacking him on the head - but he just kept moving them?"

"And then when he fell into the pool, slipped under the cover and kept popping up while I held on to one end? He kept yelling 'Drema, keep talking! I'll follow your voice!' but I was too busy laughing to say anything?"

"He called me once when I was working at the law firm to tell me he fell out of bed.  I had to sit there and try not to laugh so loud I would disturb the room full of lawyers next door as he told me how he fell out of bed, rolled into the closet where you had just put up new curtains and then couldn't get out because he was tangled in them!"

"And then that time when Matt Elixon called me and said 'hey - I'm here at the gas station and your dad is hanging out of the window, trying to jump in.  All I can see is his butt.' And I had to say, ' Yeah - he does that sometimes..."

"Remember that time when he cut a GIANT hole in the ceiling so that he could screw a vent in it to cover up the tiny hole he accidentally put in it while mopping the floor? How the hell did he do that in the first place?"

These stories are all about my dad.
He is unintentionally hilarious, which, we all know, is the best kind of hilarious.