Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Take my picture - please!

Last night, I sat straight up in bed, sweating profusely, terrified of a single thought that sent me scurrying into my closet: What if I need another form of i.d.?

Yes - I'm afraid that I was - DMV-bound.

I had gathered up all my information - anything I thought that may be of use to the clerk who would look at me disapprovingly for having lost my license in the first place and then outright condemn me to hell for forgetting to bring my 8th grade transcripts or proof of human being status or something equally as impossible to attain. This time, though, I was going to be prepared. I marched into the DMV with a confidant smile upon my face - my purse was loaded with an arsenol of information. On my person was the following:

1. a birth certificate

2. a social sec. card (married)

3. a social sec. card (unmarried)

4. a marriage license

5. a cable bill (for proof of address)

6. a voter's registration card (dusty from years of non-use)

7. a valid passport

8. an insurance card

9. a credit card

10. a debit card

I was ready for 'em.

I strolled through the double doors and straight up to the information desk. The clerk was nice - it threw me - but no matter - I have heard that they will adapt their personality to suit you and then bite your head off for sport as soon as your back is turned. I knew their game. She handed me a form to fill out.

Nope - don't think so - I pulled out the exact same form , filled out in its entirety from the library of my bag. Looking mildly impressed she sent me to Window Three.

No one was there - so I stood. The guy sitting to my left was arguing with two clerks in a language I had never heard before. I wondered if it was Klingon - but the "Git-R-Done" hat (turned backwards for my reading enjoyment) made me doubt my assumptions.

Finally, my clerk showed up. He looked young and I realized that he must have been recruited straight out of the back of his high school's library for his current occupation. I handed him all my information - he handed it all back - except the cable bill. THAT was the one crucial piece of info that was required in order for the state of WV to see that I belonged here - that I was worthy of a duplicate license - I only had to pay too much for crappy cable! Finally, after checking all five of the dollars I handed him with a forgery pen, he issued me a receipt and I went to the camera station to have my picture taken. I was prepared for this, too. I was hovering over a seat, ready to sit, nest, and read some more of my too cute book "Undomestic Goddess" when my name was called.

Well, crapmuffins.

I hadn't even put my face on yet.

The lady smiled at me, and the eyebrowless man (what happened there, I wonder?) pointed me to the mirror they had mounted to the wall to the left of the desk. I slapped on some lipstick, poofed my hair and smiled for all the world to see (if they happened to pull me over).  

I had achieved the impossible - I was in and out of the Department of Motor Vehicles in less than fifteen minutes.

I deserve a medal.

Or at least a do-over - that picture! Yeeesh! I look like a cross between a deer-in-headlights and the Yeti that ate it!

Friday, August 26, 2005

It's alive! ALIVE!

I made this little person here: 


I have yet to christen her - what should her name be?

email me with suggestions:    h0llyk911@aol.com


Thursday, August 25, 2005

Collections, Obsessions and Lilliputians

            Department 56 is the devil incarnate.

           It has claimed the soul of my dearly demented husband and has whispered sweet nothings in his ear so that he thinks the true road to happiness lies between the lit-up eerie houses of the tiny Halloween village perched upon our living room coffee table. But our collection didn't, and hasn't (thanks to the wonders of Ebay), stopped there. We have a direct artist reproduction of the Great Pumpkin sitting inconveniently on my drawing desk (I admit that we did have to wipe off a fine layer of dust before placing the Peanuts gang on their new home, though) and the Haunted Mansion, complete with trick-or-treating Disney characters frozen in porcelin mock fright on my gorgeous hand-painted entry table.

             Everywhere are little houses, tiny skeletons, little hearses (or "hursts" as my "thank God he's got a cute ass" hubby would say) and miniature bats. We've invested in shrunken trees that light up, glitter encrusted ones with bright orange leaves, and two that even look like Candy Corn.

            I am starting to develop a case of Lilliputian Anxiety.

            Why so early with all the Halloweenie fun?

            Well, number one, I have a very impatient significant other (we'll chronicle THAT one later) and he's like a kid in a toy story when he, well, gets new toys. He has and will arrange, and rearrange the village multiple times, asking me in mid-conversation, "So, um, do you think Mickey should go over with the Laghosti Theater or near the Undertaker's house? Should I just leave him where he is? Oh, and we need more adaptors..." I just nod and smile and be happy that at least, for now, he has moved on from his last obsession : He-man and Skeletor.


Thursday, August 18, 2005

Hell Hath No Fury Like a Kitty Scorned...

            This morning I had to get up at 4 AM to take my grandmother-in-law to the airport. So - needless to say - I started getting ready for bed around 8pm. Took a shower, washed and dried my frizzy head, and climbed into bed.

             Shortly thereafter, Phoebe hopped in with me. She wanted attention - I wanted to just go to sleep. Phoebe was very adament about it - going so far as to put her cold wet nose on mine and snorting kitty juicies all over me. I jumped up, ran to the bathroom, tripping over a hanger on the way, and washed my face, again. When I had removed all traces of cat snot from my face (having animals is FUN!), I went back to bed, turning my back on my furry companion. She, not being one to let live and let die, took to sniffing the back of my head -and then - in a flurry of feline fury - she BIT THE HELL OUT OF MY NOGGIN'! I squealed, flipped a pillow at her and knocked over the glass of water that was resting on my bedtime table. I used a pile of mismatched socks that were waiting to be mated to mop up the water. Just as I was about to lay back down, I noticed something odd about my pillow. There was a cat on it. Hmmmph. Figuring out, not a moment to soon, that I was beaten, I found another pillow, squished it up and put it under my head. I was now on Harry's side of the bed - not in my territory.

          Phoebe let out a sniff of contentment and reached out one furry paw to poke me on the shoulder. Maybe it was a sympathy pat - or maybe she was kicking me while I was down - either way - we called a Truce.... for now.

Thursday, August 4, 2005

Five-pound Bag of Karma, please...

Why do skinny people feel the need to complain to overweight ones about the size of their apparently vastly increasing middles? I swear, as soon as their scale tips even slightly, one tick mark up one pound, they gather their biggest box of tissues, a bag of rice cakes and pound on the door of their heaviest friend.

My bud, whom I love dearly (most of the time), just sent me a long sprawling email, detailing her last office visit and her new take on the Battle of the Bulge. She has, apparently, gained five pounds. Her concern, in my mind, equals out to... let's see... one of my mammoth boobies. "No more cakes, pies, ice cream or candy," she solemnly swears in her email mission statement. "I have always been skinny and plan on staying that way," I read - eyes wide in horror. She rattles on, paragraph after paragraph of misspelled and mishandled words and sentences that reiterate her extreme distaste in her overflowing middle. I picture her, sitting on the couch, bucket of frozen bon bons in hand, Dr. Phil on the tv and looking very much like a paler version of the 1950's Blob. And all of this imagery was born out of a multi-tiered complaint of being "too fat."

How do I respond to this?

"I feel your pain, however, you are now one of us, and you know what they say? Once you go fat, you never go back!" ; "I'm so sorry - but - at 98 lbs - I always thought you were a bit of a - well- a cow. Sorry, but someone had to say it."

Or I could be truthful: "I am sorry for your unloss - but - you brought it upon yourself by not eating healthy and by lying on the couch watching b-rated movies instead of exercising a la Olivia Newton-John." Hee hee (evil laughter).


Now, don't get me wrong - I am not poking fun at skinny people. I think it's great that they are able to resist the funnel cakes, and whipped cream sundaes and hot dogs that the world has to offer in abundance - and I can totally understand the plight of these same people to maintain their weight. I just don't get the rationale of complaining - in intricate detail - to the most inappropriate sources. I would not care at all if this was a paragraph among others in a lovely email correspondence that dealt with everyday things and then a small mention of improving her diet and lifestyle. More power to her skinny ass.

So am I just shunning the ways of the tiny folk?

Should I be more sensitive to them and their "ohmygawd I am sooooofat!" ways?

Or do I pour hot chocolate over them and eat them like a People Sundae?

With a cherry on top?

Dilemma, for sure.....

By the way, the bad karma mojo that I drummed up by writing this Piece of Fat de la Resistance of mine manifested itself into yet another wasp the size of a banana which promptly disappeared after my foaming it into a tiny Satan Claus and then running down the hallway again. My guess - it's sneaking up behind me, Igor-like - hell-bent on stinging me between my Payless Sandal encrusted toes - his mission fulfilled, he can then go to that giant wasp nest in the sky....

Karma's funny like that, you know. It can bite you in the ass when you least expect it or just make you jumpy and freaky , always preparing for that payback bite from hell.

For now, I will wait, looking like a woman who is inflicted with both Terrets and ADD and who is twitching and jumping at every noise.


I have GOT to get out of here...

Any ideas?




Wednesday, August 3, 2005

WMD's in the Workplace

So - let's see.

This morning my curling iron turned on me and whapped me, through no fault of my own, of course, upside the head to leave a nice bumpy red mark on my freckled forehead. Harry blamed it on bad karma since I had just finished laughing my ass off at him for tripping over the space heater while simulaneously ripping the towel rack out of the wall - all the time wearing a bath sheet.

Then, I was attacked while sitting in my chair. This creepy crawly mult-legged thing rushed me, whizzing right past a co-worker and aiming for my naked feet (my cute Coach sandals were under my desk) like a bug on a mission. I squealed and then foamed it up with some ancient bug spray. Now, I was happy, bug-less and seeing spots. Small price to pay.

Last, but not least, a wasp the size of my left foot lands on my arm. I freak and swat at it and then run down the hallway waving my arms like an air traffic controller. My office mates didn't see the problem. They were unconcerned that there was a Wasp of Mass Destruction trying to eat me. I went back to my desk, sprayed around until my throat was raw and sat down, warily.

The WMD returned - he was scoping me out from the window behind my desk. I grabbed my spray and snuck up to him - he spotted me and flew right at me! Divebombing me - I rolled to the left and sprayed him as he flew past my ear. We were at war.

He stopped - perched on the glass of the double doors in front of my desk and flexed his three inch long wings. I raised my weapon - and fired!

He took this opportunity to mock my ancient bug spray and LAND ON MY FRIGGIN' LEG. I squeled, screamed and believe I may have even cursed in some ancient language before spraying him with a huge burst of poison WHILE HE WAS STILL ON MY PANTS. Hopping around, I scooped him off of my leg with the bottom of the can and while he struggled on the nasty carpet, I sprayed him again, and sat the can on top of him.

Exactly two people, out of an office of sixteen came to my rescue: the girl deathly allergic to bees and wasps, and the 80 year old "I've been practicing law since the time it was still carved into stone slabs" lawyer. He moved the can, stepped on my foe six times before we were sure it was dead.

I thanked him for coming to my rescue and for his bravery.

He said " I have to be brave - I've been married for 56 years."


Tuesday, August 2, 2005

Music of the Night Life

Last Sunday I attended my first concert since the Metallica one of July, two years ago.  The results were about the same - I was mildly uncomfortable, sweating like a woman of ill-repute in a house of God and wondering if/when I was going to die and whether or not my imminent demise would be due to a ruptured eardrum, heat exhaustion, or pure undiluted embarressment.  Me?  No - I wasn't embarressed - I was shuddering for those that graced us with their "dancing skills."

What is it about a concert venue that makes others decide that swaying back and forth, humping the air or pumping invisible iron above their heads in a macho rendition of the current song is a good idea?   While Three Doors Down sang their hearts out to "Kryptonite" a guy a few seats below us jumped up and started pantomining the words.  I could tell he was attempting to look tough.  He was, apparently, someone who had spent hours, alone in the dark, lip synching along with a heart-felt squinch to his face. 

About half way through Staind's performance - two girls and a guy (no pizza place) decided to hang over the balcony at the top of the stairs - conveniently blocking the view of my entire section.  One woman, about forty, hopped up on the rails and thrust her hips while waving her arms - her beau - or just some guy she happened to be with - helped her stay up on the rails by placing his fingers up her jean-clad ass.  He would smack her on the rear a few times, too - just to let her know he cared.   The other girl - a dead ringer for a younger Tabitha, the witch from NBC's "Passions" -  began doing her impression of a frizzy haired bunny.  She hopped this way and that and headbanged all the while.    Finally, after an unsuccessful attempt to get the forty year old and the bunny to "JUMP!" - we suffered through their soft-core antics until they were asked to leave by a Staff Member. 

I never know quite how to act at these concerts, either.  By no means am I ready to join the ranks of the lewd and gyrate until I'm dizzy and confused, nor am I one to don a lighter and sway delicately - so - I chose a differnet route as a concert attendee - I sit - upright in my assigned seat and sing the words I know, smile through the ones I don't and, when the spirit engulfs me, I may just tap my toes.