Monday, October 29, 2012

Clean 'em and Weep

"I'm going to need you to clean the mirror in the bathroom," my mother said to me, trying to look extra pathetic while quickly whipstiching a ribbon to the top of my son's "STAY PUFT" hat.  "Oh, and the cabinet windows, the toilet, the lamps, the entry hall mirror and the sink."

I stopped in mid-bite of my delicious and super sinful Cam's Sandwich and stared at her.

"What? I laid the Windex out on the sink in there. Oh, and get the webber, too. The bug man said that the webs were key to keeping bugs out..." and with that she went back to her sewing.

My mother truly is an amazing person.  Rheumatoid has wracked her body, left her shortened, close to invalid and yet she still rules with an iron fist.  At 30(Plus) years old I am still bereft to know if a decision I have slaved over is "correct" until she tells me, her Branchland, WV twang, barely concealed, what I "should've done." But she truly is amazing.  The hill people to which she is kin have mastered the art of manipulation throughout the years.  Think Devil Anse and Charles Manson but less icky and scary.  So when she nodded her head to the left I knew that I had no choice.

She was like the Borg.

Resistance was futile.

So I did as I was told and cleaned the surfaces that were deemed my duties but, seeing as how she can't really turn her head very well, I failed to mention the fact that my 2.5 year old Angel had spent the hours following my cleaning spree standing in front of the hall mirror carefully, and meticulously licking it and rubbing a glazed donut in a large two by two square.

She may be an expert in manipulation but H4 is a master of Destruction.

Game, set. Match.


Monday, October 1, 2012


Ever since my sister and I were young babes (as in the literal sense, not the centerfold sense, ewwww) people would ask my parents "are they TWINS?" even though I was almost two years younger and a shade or 50 darker than my near-albino-blonde-older sister.

Now that we are swirling around our 30's, we've begun to look even MORE alike.  For example, while shopping at the local Jump and Dump (AKA "Gabriel Brother's Discount Store) my lovely sister, Summer, went to go try on a few pairs of pants while I continued to circle the clearance rack for things that weren't too irregular or too holy or too --- much.

"Hey, go sign up for a card - it's like a rewards thing.  Like a Kroger.  In the dressing room," Summer said to me as she placed her prized pair of six dollar cords in the buggy.  I stared at her for a few seconds until my brain comprehended her rapid-fire-assault-like speech and then ran (ha! Just kidding! I haven't ran since --- wait - have I ever ran?) to sign up.

"Hi!" I said to the plus-sized woman in Reeboks that stood guarding the rooms.  "I was told I could sign up for some sort of rewards card here?"

"Uh, yeah," she said and then gave me a look.  A look like I had done gone and lost my mind.

I knew that look well.

"Well - can I sign up for one? What do you need from me?"

"I just signed you up, right?"

"No," I said, slower and more enunciated.  "No, I am signing up now." The poor dear.  Now I knew why she was assigned the dressing room duty roster for the day.

"I just took your information. You were JUST back here!" She said, looking a bit spooked and a bit like she was going to head for the hills.

"Oh, wait! Ha! No, that was my sister!"

"Really? Are you twins? You look JUST ALIKE!" She said and then, finally, took my email address and handed me a lovely plastic card to add to my other stack of plastic cards.

If only we could use our TWIN POWERS for good instead of evil... :)