Saturday, December 22, 2007

And then - I lost it

Some days are ones you'd rather forget.  Rather to have not lived it at all.  If God issued "Do-overs" - I have no doubt that many other religions would happily convert in order to take away that one bad day.

Friday started off with wardrobe malfunctions where my sweater seemed to eat my neck and rub my pop-over boobs raw.  And then - I started to feel - odd.   I was going to pass out and I was all alone in my office.  So I shakily wandered to my 7-month pregnant co-worker's office and sat in her chair.   She laughingly assured me I'd be fine. And then - I lost it. I vomited in her trashcan.  Repeatedly.  

Harry then picked me up for lunch and held me in the floor of the bathroom while I held a hairdryer to my legs to get warm. I couldn't get warm and shook in odd convulsions.  

I had a doctor's appointment that afternoon so I wasn't too concerned about calling to ask about the reappearance of my breakfast, the shakes, and the weird clammy feeling that was hitting me in intervals of every ten minutes.

We waited for two  hours to get to see my doctor, who is the nicest man on earth (in scrubs) After using a hand-held device to find the baby's heartbeat the doctor had me get dressed and go across the hall to the Ultrasound rooms.  Using the "vaginal probe" (I hate the word for that) he showed me my baby.  

It looked no different than it did at 8 weeks.

Only this time there was no fluttering - no heartbeat. 

And then - I lost it.    But only internally.   I managed to hold it together outwardly for all general purposes.    Getting dressed,  I half-listened as the doctor began talking about the procedure I was to endure.  He explained it in more detail than necessary and I tried to focus on the one ceiling tile that was different than the others.   It was very important to me to be strong- to not show emotion over the loss of life that had happened inside me.  I tried not to think of the blame that I was lying on myself for being flippant and struggled not to question the incubating process that I thought my spic-and-span-never-had-a-single-STD-uterus would have no trouble with.

"It just didn't grow," the doctor said.  

"Yeah," I said.  "So when do I go have this done?  Will your staff just call me after the holdiays?" 

"I was thinking more like tomorrow.  There are risks...."  he went on to explain the bleeding-out process - and then - I lost it.

Two prescriptions and more tears than I ever thought possible, and all washed down with a caffeinated Pepsi (why not?), I woke at four a.m. to head to the Outpatient Center at the local hospital. Four hours later and I was sore, emotional and no longer going to be someone's mom. 

I can't even begin to tell the torment of the last day and a half.   My body was revolting against the no-longer-there-baby and was therefore making me sick and dizzy.   I knew, in a way, that it wasn't going to happen.  I knew, too, that if I were a crackwhore or a meth addict that I would have no problem carrying full term.  It's just another lesson of "life isn't fair." 

For now, I'm taking some time to heal, in more ways than one, but probably won't be online much for a bit.   I have truly enjoyed all the well-wishing from my online friends and know that I appreciate it all in more ways than you'll ever know.   So have a Merry Christmas and - even though I'm not the most religious person on earth - a few spare prayers in my direction wouldn't hurt.


Monday, December 17, 2007

NYC! Day One

Wednesday night, the eve of our trip to NYC, was spent with me lying on the couch with a pending migraine and Harry on the phone with Delta (hereinafter known as "Duck Felta!") who, seven hours before our flight was to depart, cancelled our connecting one.  

They were nice enough to offer us another flight.  From a different airline.   FROM A DIFFERENT AIRPORT IN D.C.  Yes.  So we decided to get up early the next morning and drive it.   All ten hours of it. 

Harry drove the Acadia the first leg and I volunteered to drive the next.    Hopping in the driver's seat and narrowly avoiding all the puddles that were forming from the rain, I set about our destination.   Harry curled up in the passenger seat, head on overfluffed pillow, ear buds tucked in his ears and a fluffy Transformer's blanket tucked around his legs. 

For about ten minutes all was well. 

And then I wanted a corn chip.  Being pregnant I am either having to pee or wanting to eat every other minute.    And since we had just left a gas station bathroom, I really  wanted that corn chip.  So I carefully reached down and shuffled around the bag to pluck one for my consumption.    And ran off the road.  But just a little!   I hit the burm enough to make that nice "airplane noise" and wake up Harry.    He looked at me and I smiled while popping the procured corn chip into my smiling mouth.   

"Sorry!" I mouthed at him.

He put his head back down and I contined to drive the hills of WV.  

And then I wanted to change the cd.  Nora Jones was putting me to sleep so I really wanted something more upbeat.  "Ohh - Shedaisy!"

I carefully extracted the cd from the visor and pushed it towards the slot on the dash.

And ran off the road again.

Harry started laughing and sat up to remove the blanket and earbuds.  "I'm sorry!  I wanted a corn chip and a new cd!" I was laughing so hard - I ran off the road again.

"Want me to drive?" he asked while peering through the rain and then watching me wipe the tears from my eyes.

"Yes," I said.  "Corn chip?" I offered. 

More later!  Including the trials and tribulations of trying to check in to the Waldorf=Astoria!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

No Choice Travel

Yet another reason why I love my hubby...

Holly K.’s confirmed evening itinerary for her December 2007 New York Trip. 


            Dinner at San Domenico (Italian, top rated) @ 5:30 1.07 miles from hotel (take taxi)

            Wicked @ Gershwin Theater @ 8:00, 0.47 miles from dinner (walk)


            Dinner at Michael Jordan’s Steakhouse @ 5:00 0.34 miles from hotel (walk)

            Young Frankenstein @ Hilton Theatre @ 8:00, 0.60 miles from dinner (walk)


            Dinner at The Bull & Bear at Waldorf Astoria @ 5:30 (within hotel, no distance)

            Spamalot @ Shubert Theater in <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />New York @ 8:00, 1.25 miles from hotel (take taxi)

Morning and afternoon meals have not been planned, nor have any activities. 

Possible lunch places consist of:

Hard Rock Café

1501 Broadway - Three
New York, NY 10036
(212) 343-3355


Tavern on the Green

Central Park at West 67th Street,

 New York City, New York, United States, 10023

 Phone: 212.873.3200


Possible activities consist of:

FAO Schwarz Toy Store

767 5th Ave, New York


Largest Macy’s

Macy’s Hearld Square

151 West 34th Street 
New York, NY 10001



Go to Central Park


Go to Rockefeller Center and see the tree


Top of the Rock: Rockefeller Center Observation Deck
Visitors guide to the Top of the Rock, Rockefeller Center Observation Deck including address, directions, facts and more. Visitors to the Top of the Rock Observation Deck can enjoy 360 degree views of New York City from 70 stories up.


Federal Reserve Bank of New York Essential Information
Visiting the Federal Reserve Bank of New York offers visitors a chance to visit the Gold Vault, learn about the Federal banking system and to experience the beautiful ironwork and architecture of the building itself. The Federal Reserve Bank of New York is the largest of the twelve regional Reserve Banks in terms of assets and volume of activity.


Grand Central Terminal
Renovations since its opening in 1913 have turned Grand Central into more than just a hub for transportation -- there are shops, dining and more available to visitors. There are group tours available, as well as free tours for individuals on Wednesdays and Fridays. Find out the details online.


Guggenheim Museum Visitor's Guide
The Guggenheim Museum, designed by architect Frank Lloyd Wright, is known for its spiral structure and unique museum experience. Displays of modern paintings, sculpture and film rotate throughout the year at teh Guggenheim Museum.


If you have any questions about your upcoming trip, please feel free to contact your travel provider at 304-634-1269, or simply respond to this email.  Thank you for choosing No Choice Travel, we know you don’t really have a choice in who you book your travel with and we appreciate not having to compete with anyone.   

Dear “No Choice Travel”:

Thank you for the itinerary and I’m overjoyed at the possibilities!  I think all sounds wonderful and look forward to my trip with my chaperone with the eagerness of a kid in an oversized, overpriced candy store (which there should be at least one in NY!). 

Please make all necessary reservations as I will expect you to do so for what I am (not) paying you.

Thank you again for the wonderful plans.

Have a lovely day!

==Mrs. Shivel

Mrs. H.K. Shivel

Here at No Choice Travel, we strive to make our cheap non-paying customers happy, that is why we did some research and found this email that outlines the best candy places in NY




Monday, December 10, 2007

(IN)Active Update and MORE!

Yeah.  Gonna kill AOL 

Please, behold my transcript with a rather trapped and fine young chap from AOL help regarding the "Active Update" pop-up that has plagued my laptop for months now:

System System AOLTechVIM has joined this session!
System System Connected with AOLTechVIM
System System Hello, H0LLYK911. Welcome to Live Technical Support. My name is Vic.
Agent AOLTechVIM Pleased to meet you online.
Customer H0LLYK911 Hi Vic !
Agent AOLTechVIM Please go ahead and let me know how I can help you today. I am here to help and will do everything I can to assist you.
Customer H0LLYK911 I'm having a problem with a reocurring pop up from AOL about an "
Active Update" - I do not wish to install this nor to be "Reminded Later" about it. It is causing me to have to constantly flip down and "x" out of it.
Customer H0LLYK911 How can I get it to go away?
Customer H0LLYK911 Permanently!
Agent AOLTechVIM I appreciate the opportunity to handle this for you.
Agent AOLTechVIM Please allow me to explain this further on why is this happening.
Customer H0LLYK911 I think I know why it is happening - I'd really just like it to stop! :)
Agent AOLTechVIM Every now and then, there are some changes being made to serve our members better. The AOL Software Update mechanism eliminates the need for you to manually download software updates.
Agent AOLTechVIM Instead, software updates are downloaded in the background with no impact to your online experience. This update is legitimate. Please click the INSTALL NOW button to get the update.
Customer H0LLYK911 I really don't want to install it. isn't there some way to get rid of something I don't wish to download even if it is Legit and comes from Aol?
Agent AOLTechVIM I apologize but in order to stop these updates is to Install them. There is no way we can disable these updates since it is coming from our AOL Servers.
Agent AOLTechVIM Rest assured that, these updates only affect the functionality of AOL, and not your computer or operating system. The primary reason for Active Update is that as new features are added, it is important that all of our Members are using equal and consistent client versions.
Agent AOLTechVIM AOL designs these service updates to run automatically to make it as easy as possible for you to get the best online experience available. The updates run at the end of your session so that they do not affect your time online in any way.
Customer H0LLYK911 Well, now. That's hardly fair to the customers, is it? i still pay for my AOL and would like to be given options not forced into downloading things I'm not comfortable with! I understand WHY there is a download but not why I have to do it.
Customer H0LLYK911 Is there a way to issue a fomal complaint so that AOL customers like me won't have to be boxed in by pop ups in the future?
Agent AOLTechVIM I understand you have a valid concern. I am sure I would feel the same way if I were in your situation. Rest assured, I will be submitting your feedback to the appropriate department so they can look deeper into this.
Agent AOLTechVIM Please continue with your feedback.
Customer H0LLYK911 Can you please ask them to contact me via email, too? I would really like to get some feedback!
Customer H0LLYK911 Thanks for trying to help - I'd really hate to resort to deleting my AOL accnt since I've been a member for so long!
Agent AOLTechVIM You will not receive a confirmation e-mail regarding this issue. However, I assure you the report will be forwarded to the appropriate technical team to best handle the situation.
Agent AOLTechVIM Please allow updates to complete. This will not damage your computer in any way, but instead would keep you in enjoying the best and most up-to-date service that AOL has to offer.
Customer H0LLYK911 At this point - I'm thinking that downloading it would be more troouble than it's worth. As you understand my concern and the fact that my computer is still mine - being forced into downloads I don't want is just - wrong. On many levels.
Customer H0LLYK911 So, please forward on my disgruntledness and please feel free to type in all CAPS from me! :)
Agent AOLTechVIM I totally understand your situation.
Agent AOLTechVIM You may also want to send a feedback to my supervisor at the screen name
Customer H0LLYK911 I definitely will. I know you've helped me as much as you can in light of this rather unfortunate situation. Thanks and have a good day/eve!
Agent AOLTechVIM It has been my pleasure assisting you.
Agent AOLTechVIM :-)
Agent AOLTechVIM Have a GREAT holiday!
Customer H0LLYK911 YOu too! :)
Agent AOLTechVIM Thank you for visiting AOL® Live Help. If you need assistance in the future, just visit the Live Help area at AOL® Keyword: LIVE HELP or on the Internet, go to
And this is what it looks like:
Oh yeah - it is so ON!   Pregnant girl v. AOL.   My money's on meeeee!
And, a passing story just for the heck of it.   Last night around midnight I emerge from the shower like a chubby drowned rat and fumbled, Velma-like, for my glasses.  Harry, in a fit of activity, threw open the doors to the bathroom and rushed me like a NFL linebacker.   I hopped out of the way while still rummaging around trying to find my glasses, a towel and maybe my dignity.   Harry, looking very proud of himself picked up the large bottle of Drano and, without looking at my horror-stricken face, he poured the foul-smelling and highly toxic goo down the drain.  
"Harry!  I've yet to brush my teeth! Why didn't you wait?!  Sh*t! Now our baby will be born without a head!"   I began to fill dizzy but found my glasses.  
"Well!  I did it!  You asked me to pour the stuff down the drain and I did it!" He looked affronted. 
"I did.  Last week, dude!  I asked you to do it last week and - WHY do you think I (cough, cough) asked YOU to do it?"
He stared at my guiltily, bottle of toxic sludge in his hand.
"Because I'm pregnant!  Geez!"
"Princess," he said.  Okay, fine, he didn't  call me "princess" - he called me something more appropriate.  Something less loving - like something that rhymes with "witch."
"And don't you forget it!"
Which lead to our half-serious, almost-constant fight about how he does everything I ask - 75% of the way done.  
"I do not! I took out the trash for you!"
"And did you put a new bag in?"
"Uh - I emptied the dishwasher!"
"Oh - did you reload it?  And close the cabinets back?"

Friday, December 7, 2007

Meet the Muppets

Last night I left work and drove straight to grandmother's house without going over the hills and through the woods to get there.   Harry's grandmother really wanted to go to this "Make up Party" that was being held at the local mall but there was one problem - she can't drive at night.  So - I was the "obvious" choice. 

We were given our small white Macy's bag and a red card that had various make-up brands along the edges.   Like a parade of very well-dressed trick-or-treaters, the gaggle of girls with eagers faces trolled the counters to find the freebies.  I managed to score about a ton and a half of various perfumes that smell basically the same - badly. 

It was then time for our makeovers.   Meme sat down on the white stool and the consultant immediately began swirling and sweeping foundation on her tiny face.  My consultant was wearing four inch platform heels and four shades of eye shadow.  Her hair, a color not found in nature, was teased, shellacked and sprayed into a helmet-like mass.  

"I just can't see a thing without my glasses on," she said as she slid on a pair of thick spectacles.  She studied a tube of mascara and then took off her glasses, set them aside and began applying powder foundation to my face.   She then plastered on concealor so thick I could feel it crinkled when I faked a smile at my "progress."

Ten minutes later my left eye burned after she had "fixed" the eyeliner and she propped a gold mirror in front of me. "Check out your eyes - aren't they amazing?"  And they were.  It was amazing how much I looked like a fleshy Missy Peggy.  I had purple eyeshadow streaked from my lashes to my eyebrow - to my cheekbones

I tried to gargle my giggles as I nodded at my horrendous reflection. 

"And don't you LOVE the pink lipstick? It's called 'Candy'!" 

My lips looked like the "After" picture of a collegean injection gone wrong.  Pink wax lips waggled in the mirror as my face contorted in a half-grimace, half-bemused state.  

"It's great," I lied through my teeth, the only part of my face spared from the magical makeup Muppet transformation.

"Let's go eat," I commanded as I gathered up my goodies, my coat and my grandmother-in-law who, compared to my Muppet-status looked like an elderly fairy.  Beautiful and glowing while I looked like a heavy-handed clown who had fallen face first into a vat of Crayola markers.  

I left Meme in the waiting area of Olive Garden while I ran to the bathroom to call Harry. 

"How'd it go?" he asked.

"Oh, great!  Meme looks like an eighty year old angel and I look like a chubby whore!" I said simultaneously trying to pee and offend everyone in the adjacent stalls.

"Oh.  You have to send me a picture!"   That's my husband.  Supportive. Loving.  And always knows what to say.  


Tuesday, December 4, 2007

It's a Sad Day for Foodies...

As I'm sitting here on my couch, wrapped snugly in my electric blanket, laptop on my lap, blondie brownie melting in my mouth I try to ignore the tv as "The Biggest Loser" plays on its face.   I consider the irony of the situation but almost lose my grip on the buttery gooeyness of my brownie and avert my attention back to the snack I've painstakingly brought about through a determination of sheer will, a craving the size of  Texas and a dinner that was too healthy for my ever-increasing pregnant self (a salad!  ack!). 

Pregnancy, in itself, is not so bad - so far.  I've only thrown up the once and the nausea has subsided leaving me with cravings for tons of food that I quickly make or order and, once faced with the pile of food, find I either don't want it or can't eat but a little tiny bit of one corner of it. 

In my pre-pregnancy days I could down a "Hot and Ready" pizza from Li'l Caeser's for dinner, follow it up with a half-dozen cookies and wash it down with at least two cherry cokes (and, gee?  Why is my butt so poofy?) Now I'm lucky if I get half of any meal down before I'm crazy full.  It's horrible.   It's a tragedy. I mean, NOW is the time I'm supposed to be able to eat a whole cow if I want to but, horrors of horrors, I can't really stand the thought of eating meat.   I'm like the opposite of Phoebe on "Friends" when she was pregnant and went from vegetarian to carnivore for nine months.  I eat more veggies now than most rabbits.   


Oh - and I have a new addiction:  Paper Mario.

I played seven hours on Saturday while Harry replaced my garage door opener.  Seemed like a fair trade at the time.  And I did THREE whole loads of laundry. WHEW!



hee hee - They're playing "Wii" on Reaper and Sock just called the supposed daughter of Satan "Beazel-babe" - I LOVE THIS SHOW!