Friday, March 11, 2005

A Good Reason to Sleep until Noon Everyday ...

So - I overslept this morning - had no time to wash my skanky ass much less pick out an outfit that would minimize previously mentioned plentiful posterior! So I rushed around - and since I am having poofy-eye issues it took me a good half an hour to get my make-up to even stick (wha? You expect me to leave the house without my face on! Surely you jest!).

I then throw on a too-short shirt, the jeans I had on last night and a sloppy ponytail. A blue cardigan was thrown on as an afterthought.

As I am switching my purses (What? You expect me to go carry my brown tweed Kate Spade with THIS outfit? Nope, this outfit du jor needs my new mini Coach polka dot purse!) I decide to fix a quick on the go breakfast.

Flinging open the crammed-with-nothing-but-crap fridge I see I am faced with either pudding, sour cream, eggs (when did I buy eggs?) or milk that is only a few days past its expiration. I whip up a quick chocolate milk meal and take a quick sip.

And spill half of it down my white shirt.


So now I'm in the kitchen using a dirty towel to try to mop up the brown milk off of my chest and cursing the dairy gods for soiling my Tommy Hilfiger shirt. I lean over the sink and use the sprayer nozzle to soak my front before realizing that this means I am going to have to leave for work looking like a wet tee-shirt contest cast-off.

I could change.

But why bother?

So I leave.

Now, I'm at work - with bad hair, sliding make-up, a soiled shirt and I keep yawning.

Oh - and - I still have a fake front tooth. Yes, I went to my dentist yesterday and he didn't like the color of the tooth he made for me. So now I must go meet his "Porcelain Dealer" to have him look at my tooth. The best news? My temporary cap may fall off at anytime now since we've removed it once.

I, at twenty-six yearsold and some change, just may have to - buy Polygrip.

Is that one of the signs of the Apocalypse?