Sunday, April 24, 2011

Egg-ceptionally --- Stupid

"Why don't you just go ahead and boil the eggs tonight?" Harry suggested as he sat at the kitchen tabled backing up the kajillion pictures we've taken of our kid the past year.

"Good idea," I said. I hopped up and went to the fridge to hunt for the eggs I bought last week with dyeing in mind. Plucking the carton from the shelf I flipped the lid open and - paused.
"Oh my GAWD," I exclaimed.

"What?! What did I do? What did I do?" Harry bellowed from the table.

I walked over to the table and tossed the eggs in front of him. "These are the eggs I bought for our son to dye on his first real Easter."

"They're brown," Harry said. He lifted the carton and studied the side while I dissolved into hysterics in the kitchen floor. "And expired."

Sometimes my stupidity surprises even me.... :)

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Right in the Kisser!

I taught Baby Harry how to give "KISSES!" so that every time I ask for a kiss, he presents to me his forehead. When I finish the smooch I then flail my legs and basically pretend to have a semi-seizure of happiness. He grins at me with crinkled blue-grey eyes and drools with happiness - he absolutely loves it.

However, no one told me that kids like to do things over and over and over again and will not tire of a new "game" for, oh, I dunno, three and half years!

So ten minutes into our "KISSES!" game today, I was pooped. I am a plumply girl, with matching legs so having a mini-seizure of happiness every five seconds wears on the bod, ya know? So I took his little cheeks in my hand and said, "Momma is tired now, K? One more kiss and then we'll just sit here, K?"

He stared at me for a few seconds, trying to figure out the new rule.

A large, gap-tooth smile lit up his face as he lunged and - HEADBUTTED ME RIGHT IN THE MOUTH.

Apparently, the game was not over.
And would not be over until he was ready.

And as I reeled in pain and flailed my legs in agony, he giggled and drooled - he liked this new game.

He liked it a lot.

Music of the Night

At 1:14am last night, Baby Harry's toy piano turned itself on and began to play Beethoven while flashing lights at the same time.

So obviously - my house is haunted.

In the past two weeks I've had:
  • Mysterious ants that appeared and disappeared within days.
  • Bees that also come from nowhere and refuse to die even when beaten, sprayed and squashed repeatedly.
  • and a continuous creaking noise with may or may not be the pipes or ductwork settling.
My house - is haunted.

So what do I do?

Instead of googling "How to Get Rid of a Ghost" I've decided, instead, to embrace my new houseguest. I will leave the piano out in the other room, along with some Grenadine and Sprite (Ghosts like Shirley Temple Drinks, right?) and maybe some cookies...

I will just kill 'em with kindness. Er, wait. They're already dead... Hmmm...


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Oooh - Shiny!

As soon as the coffee cup overturned and spilled it's foul-smelling contents onto the surface of the hardwood floor, I saw my husband toss the baby (not literally) at me, grab paper towels and had the spill cleaned in a matter of seconds.
Crisis averted, I went back to gaily chatting with my Bostonian and Pittsburghian aunts since I didn't get to see them very often.
"Wow, that's shiny!" Big Harry said as he looked down at the floor.
I pulled myself away from the conversation. "What did you clean it with?"
"That Swiffer stuff you bought." I was impressed. It must've been hard for him to wrestle with that big bottle attached to the Swiffer mop but I just smiled and let it go. Until I stepped on the newly clean spot and did a quick three second impersonation of a hippo in flight.
"What the hell?! That's SLICK!" I yelled as I continued to slide around ungracefully.
"I know. I wish the whole floor looked this good," Harry said as he gazed hauntedly at the shiny patch of oak flooring.

A few days later I was filling the dishwasher and opened up the under-the-sink cabinet to grab a handy Cascade pack when I saw a shiny canister. I stopped. Thought. And then called my husband.

"Hi. Where'd you get that Swiffer cleaner from?"
"The cabinet under the sink."
"The shiny spray canister?"
"That's FURNITURE POLISH!" I said slowly, hoping he would get that he turned our living room into a free for all skating rink.
"No. No, it's not."
"It says, 'For Wooden Furniture' right on it."
"It's wrong," he said.
"It's wrong? The can is wrong?"
"Yes. It's floor cleaner. Not furniture. Floor," he repeated.
"Is it your plan to try to kill me? Or are you just trying to get us to glide around in sock-feet all day like in 'Risky Business'?" I asked.
"That one. The 'Business' one."

I know they make child-locks for cabinets to make them childproof - but do they sell husband-proof ones, too?


Monday, April 11, 2011

Brush 'em, Brush 'em, Brush 'em!

Baby Harry was nestled sweetly in my lap, Spongebob jammies on, one hand wrapped around my wrist while he held tightly to his toothbrush with the other. It was so comforting that I closed my eyes, just for a minute - and suddenly felt a slimy, drooly Oral-B toothbrush shoved in one side of my mouth. Lips still propped apart, I opened one eye, stared into the grinning gap-tooth face of my baby - and burst out laughing. Last time I let myself rest when an evil baby is so close by! ;)