Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Stupid Human Tricks

Why is it that when my pants have side zippers I often feel like a dog chasing it’s tail?  I stand in the bathroom and circle in front of the toilet, getting dizzier as I furtively tug at the enclosure.  Finally, after two minutes of circling and biting my lower lip in deep concentration I get it zipped. 


            Drats!  Why is there always a hook too?

Thursday, April 14, 2005

When Deviled Eggs Attack

            I was attacked in my bed the other night.

            I was minding my own business, dreaming away a nightmare-less slumber that was beautifully lacking hair spiders or anything of the sort – when – OUCH! I rolled over and felt something poking me in the side.

Groggily groping around the upper waistband of my granny panties I reached down and pulled a cone shaped object off of my side.  Without my glasses, I could barely make out the culprit of my pain.  It was the large half of a plastic Easter egg.

            I had just been attacked by a Deviled egg…in my bed.

            “PHOEBEEEE!”  I yelled at my cat who undoubtedly planted the egg in my bed after watching me take a stomach pill and two sleeping pills and who obviously thought I would sleep through the night as she used my stomach as an eggy hockey rink. 

Throwing the egg in the floor I plopped back down on the bed, face-first and immediately felt a sharp pain stab the left side of my chest.  I knew what it was even before I awkwardly rolled over and removed it.  The Deviled egg had another half.  And it just bit my boob.

Shrieking, I threw it across the room like a steroid-induced Major Leaguer. 

            A furry thump hit the floor. 

I laid in bed on my back and stared at the slits of ceiling visible from between my four poster bed as Phoebe, reunited with her “kill” systematically smacked the egg halves against my closet door in pure kitty joy. 

            Peter Rabbit is now on my hit list.

Monday, April 4, 2005

Disney and 'Donald's

Three months and counting until my metro-sexualish hubby and I jump a plane to take us to the happiest place on earth. No, not the New York Premiere of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (sigh) - DISNEY WORLD!

I am beyond excited - and terrified, considering my daily aerobic activity to date is just about a centimeter above "dead." So - this week Harry and I have been foodie angels. Low-calorie and low-fat meals have been consumed with barely a grimace. We've done stomach crunches, rode stationary bikes and even bought dumbbells!

After a week of being downright angelic when it came to caloric consumption - we decide that no harm could really come from splitting a small fry and a diet coke from McDonald's (aka "El Diablo). So we pull up, order, and then pay. At the food window - the girl hands us a HUGE bag of food. Harry glances down in it, looks at me and then peels off like the fuzz was going to chase us down.

They had mistakenly given us - brace yourself - a 10 piece nugget and a large fry. We decided that it would be wrong to deny the food gods receipt of their gift to us, so we chowed down like two hungry, hungry, giddy, hippos.

Best part of all? Since we didn't order it - it's free! Free food! Free non-calorie food! See - free = zero calories!

Ahhh.... I am a genius!