Monday, July 3, 2006

Holly v. holly


I don't think I have an inner critic. You know - the little voice inside that tells a person  they're an utter failure and nothing they do is ever good enough, and other general non-helpful things like that. 

Nope - mine does not exist on the inside.  Mine's on the outside.  While others leap towards life with fervor and cannonball into the waters of possibility - I cling to the ladder and hope I can hang on through the waves of others.  My inner critic is on the outside and any time a small bit of inner me, the inner holly, tries to poke through with an encouraging word or a "you can do it!" cheer, outer Holly squishes her like a bug and then eats her. 

So why the tirade? Why the sudden burst of self-realization?  I have a half-written book. It's been half-edited by two very smart and very different gals (Thank you Alison and Summer!) and, I'm told, it's very good.  Funny.  Hilarious, even.  Yet I can't finish it.  I can't bring myself to write on it anymore.  I feel like, even though I've written 140 pages of comic fluff - I can't do anymore.  I'm spent. 

And then my evil critic rears her ugly head.  Constantly flapping her tongue and beating me about the head with her stunning observations of  "Well, you wrote a book, huh?  Watch out Dan Brown!  Heh! Giving Jennifer Weiner a run for her money for sure! What's it about?  An accidental hero named 'Bunny'?  Yeah - THAT'LL work!"  And I can't argue with her.  Holly's always right.   She always wins.  So I put away my notebooks.  I pack away my rough drafts.  I shred my notes and wipe the blackboard clean.

And I sit. 

Someday, a little part of me thinks, "holly will win."  My inner voice will have her day in the sun, so, until then, I will try to forget about the character sheets nestled in my desk drawer.  And I will turn a blind eye to the notes about plot development after the attack of the Dynamic Duo and the explosion at Riverfront Park.  

One day, she will win - and I want to be ready...


(Oh - and just so I don't get in to trouble again - much thanks to the Dials for having me and my water-logged hubby over for a cookout.  I'm sorry I ate all your Deviled Eggs, which is a big fat freakin' lie cuz they were Grrrrrrreat! :)  )


dpoem said...

Oh jeeze...  What did I tell you?  Just write and forget about all that other nonsense.  The best way to write a book is to write it without any intention of selling it.  

I think that's what I said.  I think...  Or did I give you the encouraging "you can do it" spiel?  

And, well...  If you give up, you can always give me the 140 pages, and I'll sell them.  I can see it now:

"Wow, Dan.  You really went in a totally different direction with this one.  Great work, but you write like a girl."  


tenyearnap said...

Holly will win.