You know you're a closet redneck if:
1. The undies you are wearing have flowers AND holes.
2. You understand the following sentence: "He was aimin' ta pitch a fit and reared back like a pole cat in heat and fell on down in the co' ho'."
3. You respond to the preceding sentence with a resounding: "Sho' was."
4. You spent your evening watching your sister vacuum the floor with a wet vac 'cause "The Welfare People's was a'comin'"
5. You have bras that your husband refers to as "Lowe's bras" due to their front hook and racer back persuasion.
6. You've ever eaten a 'mater like an apple.
7. You drink "pop."
8. You've eaten government issued cheese - and liked it.
9. Your fondest childhood memory involves a big wheel, a mountain-like hill and a rickety ol' shack.
10. Finally, you may be a closeted redneck if the road you grew up on is named after vermin: Possum Lick Road, Racoon Creek...