I decided to enter a contest on-line that is being held in order to help one of my favorite authors, MaryJanice Davidson overcome her fear of zombies.
Here's my 12-steps!
"12-Step Guide to Complete Zombie Annihilation"
1. Determine whether or not supposed Zombie is in fact, a member of the walking, moaning, smelly undead by playing any Mariah Carey song from the early 1990's. Should the "person" in question not shriek in pain or flee in terror then they are, in fact, a zombie.
2. Now that we've established zombie-hood - now it is time to get the undead dude under control. This is relatively easy. Play "The Hokey Pokey" on repeat. When they "shake it all about" it is inevitable that limbs will fall off making pursuit of you even harder.
3. Now is the time to determine what the zombie wants. Ask him/her/it in a clear and controlled voice "What the HELL do you want?!" If the answer is: "I'd like a Marshmallow Peep, please," then give it willingly. However, if the answer is, regrettably, "BRAINS!" then you must whip out a machete and hack a way during the second "Hokey" chorus.
4. At this point you should be feeling more in control and also happier with yourself for taking charge of the zombie-infestation that has happened upon you. Take a moment to reflect on your joys and accomplishments, all the while remembering to keep your large and shiny machete at the ready.
5. Zombies don't like water. So if you are near a pool, or a lake, or even a hot tub - jump in! Unless the zombie was an Olympic swimmer in its waking life and then, well, you're a tad screwed.
6. If you are being pursued down a dark alley by a horde of male zombies, hell-bent on making your ass a tasty spam-like treat, then simply remove your cell phone, dial your mother and turn on the loudspeaker. No man, alive or dead, can handle the voice of possible mother-in-law.
7. If you are being pursued down a dark alleyby a horde of female zombies, hell-bent on making your ass a tasty spam-like treat, then simply cup your hands over your mouth and yell: "CLEARANCE SALE AT MACY'S! THERE'S A CLEARANCE SALE AT MACY'S!" No woman, dead or alive, can resist a clearance sale. Especially if it includes shoes.
8. Your level of comfort at this point in your "Zombie Annihilation" training should be downright euphoric. You should be able to hold your own against zombies, undead walkers, and some, more lethargic werewolves.
9. Should you be chased into a convenient store by a pack of degenerate zombies, quickly make a fort out of toilet paper, Dial Soap boxes and moist towlettes. Zombies fear good hygiene and will flee from it if its presented in vast quantities.
10. Although tempting, chopping the heads off of the moaning, groaning body of a zombie is not always the best move. Using your handy-dandy machete, chop at the knees and then proceed to julienne the arms and torso - the head can be saved for last and garnished with what's left of the insides.
11. Zombies are exceptionally slow so it may be tempting to stop and have a cup of coffee while waiting for the pursants to catch up with you, the pursuee - but resist the urge. Or else your foamy Mochachino could be your last.
12. Congratulations! You have reached the last, and final, number in the "12-Step Guide to Complete Zombie Annihilation" Program. You should be feeling more confident, more in control and a little like putting "your left foot in, put your left foot out, you put your left foot in and you shake it all about."