Tuesday, February 28, 2006

"Forward this to 667 People, or you'll DIE!"

I hate Forwards. If someone sends me a Forward it better be funny. And not just kinda funny - like "holy crap I just peed a little," funny. For your reading pleasure, I have dissected a Forward that was sent to me by a "friend." This is the same "friend" that demoted me to "acquaintance" after moving to the big city of Columbus. AND she still sends me this crap!

Read on! But be warned - 'tis not for the weak of heart, mind, or bladder....


Read Alone.....
Especially the Poem

[HKS] Why??? What on earth could be so important that it MUST be read alone???

I believe whatever is in store for
us will be for us.
[HKS] Huh? WTF are they talking about???
The poem is very true, unfortunately.
[HKS] Well, thanks for sending it to me, then, asshat.
Make sure you read the poem!
[HKS] Yeah, got that part...
CASE 1: Kelly Sedey had one wish,
[HKS] ( to be a real girl)
for her boyfriend of three years,
[HKS] (run, man, run!)
David Marsden, to propose to her.
Then one day when she was out
to lunch David proposed!
[HKS] (Sucker!)
She accepted, but then had to leave
because she had a meeting in 20 min.
[HKS] (All work and no play...)
When she got to her office,
she noticed on her computer she had some e-mail's.
She checked it, the usual stuff
[HKS] (spam, porn, dumb forwards...)
from her friends, but then she saw one
that she had never gotten before.
It was this poem. She simply deleted it
without even reading all of it.
[HKS] (good job!)
BIG MISTAKE! Later that evening,
[HKS] (Yawn - bored now.)
she received a phone call from the police
It was about DAVID! He had been in an accident
with an 18 wheeler.
[HKS] Thanks for the specifics - made it more "believable." He didn't survive! [HKS] Yeah - he didn't have to marry the non-poem reading girl!
CASE 2: Take Katie Robinson She received this poem
and being the believer that she was
she sent it to a few of her friends but
didn't have enough e-mail addresses to send out
the full 5 that you must.
[HKS] Bitch! Work harder on your contact list! NOW!
Three days later, Katie went to a masquerade ball.
[HKS] No, really, she didn't.
Later that night when she left to get to her car,
she was killed in that spot
[HKS] Where the new Burger King is by a
hit-and-run drunk driver.
[HKS] eating a Whopper.
CASE 3: Richard S. Willis sent this poem out
within 45 minutes of reading it.
Not even 4 hours later walking along the street
to his new job interview with a really big company,
[HKS] (they hired him and then fired him----for sending fwds)
when he ran into Cynthia Bell,
his secret love for 5 years. Cynthia came up to him
and told him of her passionate crush on him
that she had had for 2 years.
[HKS] Oh no! She had had a crush for two years! The agony! The (yawn) torture!
Three days later, he proposed to her and they got married.
Cynthia and Richard are still married
with three children, happy as ever!
[HKS] Not with three rugrats, they aren't!
This is the poem:
Around the corner I have a friend,
[HKS] (Lemonade... fudge is made!)
In this great city that has no end,
[HKS] (Seattle?)
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.
[HKS] (dumbass - get a calendar!)
And I never see my old friends face,
[HKS] (bad grammar in a poem makes me smile)
For life is a swift and terrible race,
[HKS] (Isn't that a reality show?)
He knows I like him just as well,
[HKS] (he doesn't think of me since I stole his seashell!)
As in the days when I rang his bell.
[HKS] ("Ring my Belll-ll-lll, RING MY BELL!")
And he rang mine but we were younger then,
[HKS] (foreplay!)
And now we are busy, tired men.
[HKS] (icky viagra-induced foreplay)
Tired of playing a foolish game,
[HKS] (like sending stupid-ass fwd's)
Tired of trying to make a name.
[HKS] (for whom? Not ye of FWD fame???)
"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim
Just to show that I'm thinking of him."
[HKS] (The bad rhyming here makes me shudder, like a swollen, pulsing, oozing udder)
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
[HKS] (You owe the Beatles/M. Jackson a quarter, now.)
And distance between us grows and grows.
[HKS] (Run, Forrest! Run!)
Around the corner, yet miles away,
[HKS] (are we back to lemonade and fudge, again?)
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
[HKS] (See? Procrastination IS your friend."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
[HKS] ( To DIE? We all get to DIE? This poem is light and fun, thanks!)
Around the corner, a vanished friend.
[HKS] (No, he's in heaven, making birds shit on your car for not contacting him !)
Remember to always say what you mean.
[HKS] (Naw - that's not fun, at all - indirectness is more fun!)
If you love someone, tell them.
[HKS] (Duh.)
Don't be afraid to express yourself.
[HKS] (You now owe Madonna a quarter.)
Reach out and tell someone what they mean to you.
[HKS] (ET phone home?)
Because when you decide that it is the right time it might
be too late.
[HKS] (dum-dum-DUMMM!)
Seize the day. Never have regrets.
[HKS] (I have one - reading this pile of crap!)
And most importantly, stay close to your friends and family, for they have helped
[HKS] [HKS] (and not send them stupid junk forwards)
make you the person that you are today.
[HKS] (Angry? Pissed off? Huh?!)
You must send this on in 3 hours after reading the letter
to 5 other people.
[HKS] (Nope.)
If you do this, you will receive unbelievably good luck.
[HKS] (Not unless a four-leaf clover sprouts from my ass-cheeks, no, I won't.)
the more people that you send this to, the better
luck you will have.
[HKS] (and the less friends you will have.)
SMILE, even through your tears!!!!!
[HKS] (Yeah. This makes it ALL better!)

Update:  This was the email that followed my thanking her for condemning me to death with a condemning forward and instructing her on what to put on my tombstone....

Thank you for your input.  I have taken you off of my mailing list so you will no longer receive forwards from me, and next time you decide to voice your option (which you have every right to) please do not send it to everyone I sent the forward to and only direct it to me.


And this was from me:   My opinion was hilarious - and so was that forward! Thanks for cheering up my day!     Sorry about the "reply to everyone" catastrophe - it was habit and - well - I'm sure they'll get a kick out of it - especially if they love a good forward!     --Sincerely , Holly K.!    


nonojean3 said...

I know exactly what you mean.  I hate forwards especially the chain mail type.

Oh no! look out a tr.... thud.  (me getting run over by a semi b/c I didn't forward)

tenyearnap said...

HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. At least it didn't come with a picture of an angel-kitty!