Wednesday, February 22, 2006

"Things that bug me, Alex, for $2000..."

1. People who think it's funny they've dialed a wrong number, and wait
until after I finish listing off the equivalent of the Lincoln County phone
book before sharing in their mirth.

2. People who turn right on red and honk at pedestrians -
when else are
they supposed to walk - asshole!

3. Store clerks that make you feel "lucky" that they are even bothering to
wait on you.

4. People who back into parking spaces ---
at Mach 9.

5. People who offer their help, insist upon it and then back away quickly
when given responsibilities.

6. Chairs without arms.

7. People who tell me "You don't understand, you don't have kids."
holy crap! You're right - not a single thing has been spawned from my dried
up, shriveled old uterus! Glory be!

8. People who get mad at me when I express my opinion about #7.

9. People who get mad at me when I express the fact that I'm expressing my
own opinion in #8.

10. Pineapple on pizza. That's just wrong.

11. People who poop at work. At 9am.
We just got to work and you didn't
think that maybe, just maybe, you coulda stunk up your potty at home?!

12. People who tell me not to bite my nails. Really makes me want to say :
"Well, come over here so I can nervously chew on your face - might be an

13. People with flacid handshakes.

14. Parking meters.

15. The creepy man who "guards" the parking lot next to the one I park
every morning. I believe he is under the impression that he is invisible.
He stares and watches me as I get my belongings together and emerge from my car.

16. People whom, upon hearing that you missed a certain show but have
recorded it, still feel the need to tell you what happened.

17. People whom, upon hearing that you are going to buy a certain book, tell
you the whole plot line in intricate, excruciating detail.

18. People whom, upon seeing me reading a book - ignore the fact as if
their conversation will trump the beauty of the written word. Or a really
good sex scene.

19. Diet Dr. Pepper. It does NOT taste more like regular Dr. Pepper. In
fact - it tastes like envelope paste.

20. Aquarium screensavers.

21. People who call during "my stories" on Wednesday night.

22. People who insist that I should like seafood. Thanks, but if I had my
choice on oceanic food - give me a mouthful of sand any day!

23. People who remember to floss regularly.

24. Hotel hairdryers. A space heater has more oomph than one of those
things with their one foot cord!

25. Pushy salespeople.
No, I don't need a belt/scarf/necklace/shoes to go
with my bra purchase! Leave me the hell alone!

26. Fat suits. Our chubbiness makes us unique - please leave the rubber
strap-on outfits to those of us who have worked hard to attain our peak
level of rotundness.
Wait - did I really just write "rubber

27. People who are grammar Nazi's.
Go f*ck you'reselves.

28. People who don't, can't or won't differentiate between "its" and
"it's." (BTW - I'm a self-loathing grammar natzi myself!)

29. People who claim to work, all day, while at work. Liars.

30. People who go on Reality Shows and complain about being on said Reality

31. Paris Hilton. She has the scariest ass cheeks I have ever seen.

32. Shoes that pretend to be comfortable when you buy them.

33. People who are "too busy." If you live in America - you will
eventually succumb to the "I'm just too busy" way of life.

34. Unsolicited criticism.

35. People who smoke right outside the door.

36. When my page-a-day calendar page doesn't come off in a smooth sheet,
leaving little stuck-up frays at the top.

37. When I have to get up and get ready for work.

38. When my cat sticks her nose on my upper lip at 4 AM.

39. People who still wear the chunky shoes from the year 2000.
I may have
even sold 'em to them during my five year stint at Payless.

40 The last post-it. I can't bring myself to use it. I have to throw it away.

41. Any book that has ever used the phrase "throbbing member."

42. People who talk about what a wonderful (insert
occupation/hobby/something) they are and then I see them in action and realize
that someone is a big fat liarhead. Or dillusional. Or both.

43. Self-medicating.

44. Jennifer Garner

45. Make-up counter ladies. I feel like they are staring at me from behind their powdered masks - judging my application, or lack of, glossy lipstick.

46. Plotless Horror movies. People are starving in Africa and even in New Orleans but Rob Zombie is given millions of dollars to produce "Devil's
Hell in a handbasket, peeps, hell in a handbasket...

47. Links that don't work. Pictures that won't upload and e-mail that won't open. And Forwards - especially ones with cats/angels/angelic cats/fluffy angels.

48. President Bush's lack of speaking skills. Good thing that being president doesn't require one to be quick-witted and phonetically pleasing
to the masses, huh?

49. The guy standing behind me making the fax go "beep, beep, BEEP." He's "fixing" it. Again.

50. Bottled water that costs $4. That's just wrong.

What bugs you?

Email me at and let me know!

1 comment:

nonojean3 said...

1. people on diets that tell you exactly what you should and should not eat.
2. people who workout and tell you their regime in detail.
3. people who misuse their and there - i'm a grammar nazi too
4. people who drive slow in the fast lane.
5. old people that can do their grocery shopping any day of the week, but choose Saturday, when everyone else who works does their shopping.

I'm sure I've got more, but this is a start.