Wednesday, November 1, 2006

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is the ability to set people's ears on fire with my brain...

Yesterday, I was watching the clock as it was slowly ticking towards Five PM - a.k.a. "The Golden Hour" when I would be able to escape the Legalease World in which I'm trapped for 7.5 hours a day, five days a week, too many days a year - when up strolls one of my elderly co-workers.   Now, at first glance, you cannot tell that she is of a mature age.  Her hair is dyed to the color of snow that has been colored by dog urine, her face is dewey with expensive QVC moisturizer and the fine lines that ring her mouth is masked in lipstick bought from the dollar bin at Kmart.  However, as she approaches, one can tell that her age is not only edging on Senior Citizen, but has surpassed it, smacked it on the back of the head and is now comfortably resting with one Payless pump in the grave. 

She had beef with me.

"What is your problem with this entry?"  she spat and waved a paper in front of my face.  I calmly took the paper from her and inwardly resisted the urge to cut her like a Paper-cutting trained Samari for two reasons.  One, it was almost time to leave and two, a Lawyerman was standing at my desk, in mid-polite conversation about the joys of trick-or-treaters in the "nicer neighborhoods." 

"Well, it was an 'expense' entry and I wasn't sure if deleting it would cause any problems with the books or something," I explained and then smiled at Lawyerman to make sure he knew how ridiculous this Q&A was.  

"Holly," she said in a tired, irritated voice that comes from people who arrive an hour late every morning, take extended lunches and leave at 5:01 everyday, "if it's marked out then you delete it."  I wanted to kill her.  Murder her with the ease of pushing a button and then picking up my keyboard and striking her over and over until her face slides off  and reveals the evil alien pod within.

"I've learned it's always best to ask questions," I said in a very happy and cheery voice and winked at Lawyerman (who was still hovering). Actually I was trying very hard to talk myself OUT of ripping off her bulbous nose with a letter opener. 

"I think that's always a good plan!  Best to ask!" Lawyerman agreed with me and went back to making notes on his yellow pad.

Smoke billowed from my ancient co-worker's droopy ears.  I feared the steam would melt her gold-plated earrings of early 80's origin. She flung the invoice at me and stormed off.

It was priceless,  I tell ya, priceless.



oddb0dkins said...

That's one to you girl. Better watch your back though. B. x

ravenjuiced said...

LMAO! I don't know if you've ever seen the movie 9 to 5, but that reminded me of a stoned Lilly Tomlin whistling a tune in her Snow White outfit as she puts the poison in Mr. Hart's coffee.


dragoneyes1164 said...

Maybe shes not getting enough fiber in her diet, lol.....I love when you tell a story, so funny. I loved the alien pod. classic:)

gazker said...

We have a phrase over here, 'deck the beee atch and that, is exactly what I would have done with a smile on my face!

princesssaurora said...

See... even better than being able to instantly incinerate her!!!

be well,

rebuketheworld said...

She was growing up during a time when women felt it was inappropiate to request orgasms....we have to have

rebuketheworld said... your short stories...I sooo look forward to reading should keep these all in a handy place and publish them....they are short, funny and always a them...-Raven