Tuesday, November 14, 2006

My Christmas Wish...

Since the Holly-daze are swiftly approaching like a speeding train with no brakes - I will depart on to you some wisdom from a seasoned retail sales clerk"


1.  Shopping carts and Baby Strollers are NOT to be used as battering rams!  This includes when a slow-moving person in front of you is hindering your path to Bath and Body Works.  Trust me - the overpriced, olfactory-assaulting crap will be there when you arrive, no matter the time.

2.  Do NOT call a store and demand that the sales associate run all over the store and look for items for you.  This is called "SHOPPING" and you can now do it on the greatest invention ever:  The World Wide Web.

3. However, should you decide to make a sales clerk run from one end of her store to the other to find that perfect pair of sparkly, peep toe pumps, make sure you know Aunt Sally's size for sure AND that you actually come pick them up!  

4.  DON'T eat mall food.  They foodies are as disgruntled as the next retail clerk. And they will retaliate. 

5.  Don't wear Christmas sweaters with reindeer prancing across your bosoms.  Just - DONT.

6.  Don't try to make conversation with the poor girl with her name tag on upside down and hair pulled up in a sloppy bun away from her flushed cheeks.  She WILL kill you by afixiating you with a plastic shopping bag - all the while singing "Jingle Bell Rock."

7.  Buy Gift Certificates. 

8.  Do NOT take your kids shopping with you.  Leave them at home with their father(s).  Or at Day Care.  Or a Kennel.  Whatever - just DON'T bring them with you - unless they are on those inhumane little nylon leashes.  No, wait - just leave 'em at home.

9.  Make a list - get what's on the list and get out.  This is not a drill.  This will be the real thing.  Be aware that you may lose a limb to get to the single TMX Elmo left in all of the United States.

10.  And finally, while you are shopping - say nothing. Do not speak.  Do not wish anyone "Happy Holidays" - pretend to be mute.  It will make those of us who were stuck in retail drudgery for YEARS that much happier when we are forced to enter the dreaded "mall" and be pleasantly surprised by the massive quiet that descends. 




gazker said...

I cant even think of the Hollie daze yet! Happy Holidays anyway
Gaz x

hballs25 said...

And under no circumstance be one of those cheery people who show up to the mall at 6:00 a.m. in the middle of december to go and buy that one gift for your nephew twice removed and ask the sales associate which 50% off pair of boxers to buy.  He/She does not care which one you buy and it is because of you they had to leave their nice warm bed, get dressed, and drive to the mall before Mc Donalds even opens to wait on you overly cheery self!  Furthermore it is even worse when after you have looked around for what you think is the perfect item (that the person receiving them will return b/c nobody likes to receive underwear from relatives) you go to pay and end up writing a check for $8.13.  NOBODY uses checks anymore, come on get in the 21st century and use your debit or credit card.  It will make everyone's life easier and will reduce your chances of getting stuffed into an oversized bag, taped up, and sent to China VIA FedEx.

tenyearnap said...

Damn good rules! Better yet...don't go to the mall and don't buy gift certificates at all. Go to www.catalog.heifer.org and donate $$ to buy livestock and other agricultural materials...all in your "loved ones" name. Really, does anyone in our over-fed American families need another freakin' doo-dad for Xmas? Give someone who needs it some tree seedlings or a hive of bees or a water buffalo instead.

psychfun said...

Oh my I'm sorry it is so hard for you. I don't experience that when I'm shopping or when I've been in retail in my past. I suppose I do see other shoppers & workers having a meltdown from time to time but for the most part it is a blast when I go. I hope it is much better for you this year. Oh one place I go even has punch & cookies etc in all the stores. :-)

princesssaurora said...

Shop online... I do as much of that as I can!!!  Thanks for the laughs!

be well,