Wednesday, January 11, 2006


 I've been chubby for quite some time now. Pretty much all my life, actually. I've never been one to have a toned and sleek, well, anything! I've gotten used to the things that us chubbies (not to be confused with the male affliction - chubby) do to protect ourselves - like not wearing a skirt without pantyhose or biker shorts so as to not ignite the garment into flames as our thighs rub together, or spending oodles on make-up so that others will continue to tell us that we "have a pretty face", and even avoiding certain materials like satin, spandex or anything with a tapered leg. I can do that - easily. I dress to minimize the maximum and maximize the minimums. I have, in the last few years, perfected the art of dressing for impressing - chubbies style.

Which brings me to my point. I don't think I can do it anymore. What brought me to this conclusion? Well, I would say it would have to have been when my gi-normous ass split the back of my pants wide open. Like my backside was struggling to free itself from the constrains of a pair of plus-sized pants. And in there lies the irony.

I could blame the pants. In fact, I noticed as I was putting on my $80 Liz Claiborne Tape Measure Expensive For No Freakin' Apparent Reason Pants that the hem had fallen out of the back of the left cuff after only one washing. So, I could site faulty craftsmanship. Only... this doesn't exactly sit well in my befuddled brain since the other day, in my office restroom, I kept seeing something out of the corner of my eye while washing my hands. Convinced that someone was in there with me, I turned my head ever so slightly and jumped.

I had caught sight of my bobbing ass in the full-length mirror. It was the most frightening thing I've ever seen.

So, I sit in my comfy office chair and decide not to blame the helping of stuffed cheese I had for dinner, and not to place fault with the child laborers of LIz Claiborne, but instead I will place blame where it is just deserved...

With the attorney who insisted that my job as receptionist included STRAIGHTENING THE FREAKIN' RUG!

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