Monday, January 30, 2006

My eyes! MY EYES!

Saturday night, after attending his sister's 13th birthday party, having dinner with his grandmother and visiting with my parents, my hubby suggested a rather interesting way to finish up the evening: "Wanna go to Lion's Den?" Now, for those of you whom have never heard of this particular store, I can assure you that it has nothing to do with Disney's The Lion King (although many products DID have animal names). In fact, The Lion's Den is an adult superstore meaning that, everywhere you look you will see a person's laminated genetalia on the cover of a box.

Not being one to miss out on any blog-worthy fun I covered my mouth and giggled and said "'kay." Then I covered my eyes and giggled and said "No! I can't!" Then, I covered my ears, nodded and said "let's go!" I became the "Speak, see and hear no evil" chick in three seconds flat. I should've kept up my guard.

Upon entering the mirrored ceiling palace of porn we were i.d.'d and sent on our way. I stuck close to my hubby and avoided all eye contact. While he perused the shelf of Jenna Jameson movies, I decided to read the titles- just for fun. There were straightforward titles : "F me." and "F my wife, please, vol. 22" and then those titles that made you wonder: "F me harder, white boy" and my personal fave: "Say Aloha to my A-hola." I laughed out loud when I saw that one, a big no-no on the adult store circuit. Twelve pairs of hollow eyes swung towards me and I dropped four movies. The big meaty man at the front desk looked at my husband and said "Hey, tell her that all the movies she drops -you get to buy!" He chuckled at his own joke and Harry responded with a "No, no - too expensive!" And then gave me a dirty look when I dropped two more.

I left the movie section and ventured on my own -feeling brave. Funny how I can feel okay in the middle of shanty shack of ill-repute - but being in a grocery store alone gives me the willies (ha - get it? Willies! As in - oh - nevermind). I happen to see a large purple stand. It looks very clinical and even has pamphlets! Wow! I think to myself, pamphlets! Turns out there is a whole new line of toys for women, made by women! Home court advantage, I guess! :)

By this time Harry has directed me toward the ginormous wall of "substitute husbands" so to speak.

"Pick one out," he said, gesturing toward the wall filled with odd shapes and attachments. It looked like a Kitchen Aid aisle, only without the low prices. There was one there - "The Beaver" that was $129.95! I could hire a pool boy for that much! And another one - "The dolphin" for $89.95, but the most unusual one was "The Ghekko" um- I guess you could literally get f'd over by Geico....

So, we left a few minutes later. Harry got a few things to keep himself entertained and I got a new toy, a substitute hubby, if you will... So which one did I end up with? Well, you know me - I have expensive taste!!!

The most entertaining part of the experience? When we were leaving, the big burly man at the counter asked us : "Would you like some 'Barely Legal' with that today?"

Um, no... thanks.....


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