Monday, April 17, 2006

I'm a Freak Magnet.

I enjoyed a nice quiet lunch, nestled in my freshly waxed Escape (when the HELL did I drive through TAR???) and coveting the bum of one flannel-encrusted Tom Welling on Smallville.

My hour is up, so I un-recline my seat, put on my coat and shoes and drive back to the middle of the ocean, oops, pardon me, the Employee Parking Lot. I splash through the puddles, being careful not to soak a small man who is walking through the alley holding a soggy cigarette. I stop, gather my things and start to open the door.

He's still standing there.

Right off to my left - almost out of my line of vision.

He's waiting on me to get out of my car.

The macho-girl side of me wants to get out and be on the ready to whack him like that Mole game at Chuck E. Cheese should he even begin to talk to me.

The scardy-cat-sproutin'-feathers-as-I-sat-there side of me wanted to put the car in gear and make him into roadkill out of sheer apprehension and fright.

Instead, I put the car back in gear and drove off. I could see him huff in the rearview and then slowly walk in the opposite direction.

Maybe he wanted to bum one off me. Or ask for a light. Or maybe he needed some money. Perhaps he was lost and needed directions.

Don't give a flying rat's ass.

Just a warning to all of you out there - don't approach a woman in a parked car or you may get: a face full of umbrella, a shoe in the groin, tire tracks on your back, or a facial courtesy of "Pepper Spray Du Jour."

As a side bar: A man with a very thick East Indian accent just called:

Me: "Hello, Law Office of Evil Things and Deeds?"

Him: "I need to speak to someone about your domain registry."

Me: "Okay, please hold while I get the Office Manager."

Him: (calling back) "What is your problem? I ask for your domain registry and you put me on HOLD for ten minutes."

Me: "Sir, you were on hold for 30 seconds while I was waiting for my office manager to pick up."

Him: " I just need to know - "

Me: "Please hold."

Now at this point he's yelling at me and cursing. I hate that crap.

Him: (calling back again) "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ENGLISH!!!" (The irony here is that he barely speaks it)

Me: "Yes, and you are being rude. I'm hanging up now."

Him: (calling back AGAIN). "Just SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! WHY ARE YOU-"

Me: "BYE!"

Him: (yet again, calling me) "YOU ARE A F'N ASSHOLE! YOU ARE A -"

Me: "Have a nice day!" (He has yet to call back - but give him time - he is planning to call again - he's just trying to come up with insults. I can see him now, in his little folding metal chair, dictionary opened up to a picture of a Porcupine or some other woodland creature and stroking his chin and nodding slowly)

By the way - GREAT IDEA TO OUTSOURCE TO OTHER COUNTRIES - The customer service is SUPERB!

2 comments:

tenyearnap said...

Maybe the guy on the phone and the one in the parking lot are (dum-de-dummmmmm) The Same Man.

nonojean3 said...

oohh - good comment - maybe he is the same man - oohhh.

ps. I love wack-a-mole.  did you know you can buy the home version, but its not near as much fun.