Due to health concerns and crazy-mind-wrenching migraines, I decided to stop taking my "anti-baby-makin' pills."
Which led me to the Aisle of Shame at Rite Aid Pharmacy. There I was, cowering before a wall of prophalactics, terrified that someone may see me purchasing a box of condoms.
There are so many, I thought as my eyes darted to and fro, searching for people who may know me. I didn't want to be seen buying condoms. When did there get to be so many? I heaved a barely audible sigh, lest I draw attention to myself and looked over my shoulder.
"What kind did we used to get?" I asked Harry, who was standing a foot behind me and very clearly giving off the air of "I sooooo don't know her!"
"Dunno," he muttered and became very interested in a wall of toothbrushes. I contemplated tossing vats of KY jelly at his head but decided instead to try to figure out how condoms got to be so plentiful, apparently flavorful and pretty darn expensive.
What the heck?! I can remember buying a box of Trojans a few years back at Wal-mart and paying a reasonable, if not poorly chosen, price of $6.66! Realizing that my inner monologue was starting to sound like that of my father's "Why, I can remember when gas cost a nickel a gallon" stories, I grabbed a purple box off the wall and faced my nonhelpful husband.
"Got 'em? Let's go!" And with that he turned and looked more like a blur of Polo and Jordans as he streaked up to the register.
Me, on the otherhand, I took my time and arrived a few minutes later with my purple pack of prophylactics, a box of Cherry Icee Popsicles, and a jumbo-sized bottle of Tylenol.
"Well, that wasn't so bad!" I said to Harry as we peeled out of the parking lot like we'd just gotten away with robbing an ill-prepared bank. "I mean, not like before we were married!"
"I never bought them," he said and laughed. "You always bought 'em." He apparently thought this was funny.
I narrowed my eyes and put a hand on my forehead and decided, right then and there, that the next time we go condom shopping I was going to buy every size, flavor, virbrating ring, ribbed, spiraled, pleasure maxed, climax controlled rubber out there.
I smiled and looked lovingly at my oblivious husband.
"I love you," I said.
"Well, I love you too!"
He has NO idea.