Thursday, October 23, 2008

Hell is a Wal-mart on Payday...

Tonight was my father's 63rd (? I think that's it - or 64)birthday.  

My sister procured some fine Jim's spaghetti sauce (he can eat the noodles easily with less than his normal number of teeth) while I was to get him a gift card. I picked my aisle carefully as our Wal-mart is incapable of opening up more than four lanes at any given time. I found one in which a lady and her two loud children had piled only aisles 1-4 in the tiny, now fragile-looking buggy. And as I stood there in the line at Walmart (my own version of hell) I realized with a cold horror that my wallet was not in my possession. That it was, more than likely, in the passenger seat of my car and the apple, which I thought I had pulled out of my purse, was snuggled in the bottom of my SAK purse instead - mocking me appley.  

Asking the cashier to hold my purchases (ice cream and a card with a monkey draped in a towel with an inscription that proclaimed "It's your birthday... Go APE SHEET!" on the inside) I ran to the parking lot to get my wallet while weaving and ducking in between the minivans and clunkers that blocked my path. I threw open my car's door and found it sitting guiltily next to my pb sandwich that I didn't have time to eat for lunch. I snatched it up with one hand and ran back into the hellacious mega-atore where I almost had a brush with death as a Granny in a Buick tried to make the crosswalk into her own version of Roadkill Alley.  

I was now "glistening" like a pantiless whore in church and as I rounded Lane 7 I found myself nose to neck of a large sweaty man, his wife, their two buggies and what was roughly the contents of aisles 4-12.  
I huffed, I puffed, I blew my bangs out of my face and then flipped open my pink phone. "Yeah, mom? Tell DAD I may be LATE for his BIRTHDAY!!! Yeah - I'm going to be here for quite some time... Yeah - I know... but he'll have others, right? Hopefully?" Yeah - subtle, I'm not.


7 comments:

Odds Bodkins. said...

'Glistening like a pantiless whore in church'

You paint such a pretty picture! ;O)

B. x

Linda said...

LOL! I have done this run myself a few times! Linda

Saltydawg said...

You don't wear knickers in Church? Shame on ou Holly! Waddaya mean you were talking about someone else?
Gaz ;-)

Indigo said...

I can't think what the hell you wrote about...something Birthday...something...dad...something..Walmart...

And the one statement that sticks in my mind is,"Glistening like a pantiless whore in church"...

I want to say kudos for that approach in church, yeah...I know I'm destined for hell. (Hugs)Indigo

Julia said...

Ah, my favorite store, such drama that goes on there, LOL.

Summer said...

Yeah but,if there were ne walmart, what we you and i DO from 1030pm-1230am when Gilly is outta town?!

Anonymous said...

My dear
That whole church was filled with "pantied" and "pantieless" whores. You are in good company.