HELP WANTED

My cell rang:

"Hello?"

"Hi, is this Holly?"

"Yes,"  I said.  I was confused. Who the heck was this?

"This is (some chick) from United Talent Staffing. You put in a resume with us?" the chipper voice said.

"Uh, yeah - four months ago," I said in an incredulous tone.

"Well, we just got around to looking at it - "

I cut her off. "You've had it for four months." I was being a little mean but c'mon - could I really trust someone to find me a job if they couldn't even find someone to call me back in four months?

"Yes," she laughed nervously.  "We found a job for you - have you found full-time employment?"

"Yes, I have," I said.  "Somehow in four months I managed to find a job on my own."

Why would I want someone from an under-staffed staffing service to find me a job?

Ohhhhhh - unless the job was working for them?  hee hee

Bookworms - UNITE!

A meme from Cindy who got it from Dawn who got it from...

Recommend 3 books you believe everyone needs to read and say why people should read them.

1.  Everyone must read the Dictionary.  I'm sick of people spelling things horribly wrong and expecting those of us who can string together a reasonable assemblage of letters to decipher. 

2.  "Big Trouble" by Dave Barry.  Yes, THE Dave Barry.  This was his first foray into fiction and I couldn't put it down.  Lemmie put it this way - there are about four different storylines, one of which involves a nuclear bomb and another which dealt with a dog and his battle for the food bowl and the toad that guarded it.  Look for the book with the big croc on the cover. 

3.  "Idiot Girls' Action Adventure Club" by Laurie Notaro.  This is a non-fiction book by a chick but it should not be confused with chick lit.  Do you enjoy listening to horrifying but oh-so-humorous true stories of other's misfortunes?  Of course you do or you wouldn't be on this here blog-o-mine! 

Name three books you’ve never been able to finish and explain why.

1.  "Dune" - sorry Cindy, I'm still trying, though!  I love the concept and I'm such a sci-fi nut that it's only a bit longer before I'm reading the novel on my couch with my eyes glowing a nice pretty blue.

2.  Anything by Laurell K. Hamilton.  There is only so much vampire/werewolf/whatever sex that a gal can read about before she wonders if the undead has it better than she does...

3.  "Bleachy-Haired Honky Bitch" by Hollis Gillespie.  I love her non-fiction tome, but there's only so much honesty I can take in one sitting.  I'm a child of the nineties - mask your feelings! MASK your feelings~!

Name three books you want to read, but haven’t yet.

My shelves are stocked with "to be read" books.  Here's a list of titles:

Fluke, The Starter Wife, Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell, Citizen Girl, Deception Point, Cooking for Harry (cute title, huh?) , In Her Shoes, Sushi for Beginners, About a Boy, Labyrinth and more!

Are there any books that you’ve loved, but been disappointed by the film/TV adaptation?

"Circle of Friends" was a great book and a good movie, but the addition of Chris O'Donnel was a nice added bonus.

"Devil Wears Prada" - the book had a horrible ending.  Very stuttered and mean and the movie coaxed it into one where the audience didn't feel slighted.  I liked the movie - the book - not so much.

"Big Trouble" by Dave Barry.  One of my favorite books (see above), yet the movie was a bit of a disappointment. But Ben Foster was in it along with "Earl" from "My Name is Earl" on NBC, so all was forgiven.  Oh- and Johnny Noxville, too.  He's funny.  Ya know, when he's not letting serpents bite on his man parts...

Which books (apart from the Potter books) do you re-read the most?

I object to this question and refuse to answer on the grounds that I am a HUGE dork and have reread Harry Potter as well as listened to the audio books many times over.  Holly hath spoken.

Which books do you remember most from your childhood?

"The Icky Picky Sister" - about a girl who didn't like anything.  My family said I was just like her.  Stupid family.  Hmph.

"The Sneeches" - With "stars upon thars" , I wanted a star upon my belly, too. 

"The Baby-Sitters Club" - I was soooo a "Claudia" - but with better grammar skills.

Are there any books that you are proud to say you have read?

I read "The Historian" by Elizabeth Kostova.  I'm only proud of that because after lugging around the fifteen pound book for three weeks, I finally reached the end and - had new arm muscles to show for it.

Are there any books that you are ashamed to admit reading?

It's hard for me to sit out in public reading some of my Chick Lit books, but I love them so I usually end up snorting out loud and not caring about the weird old man sitting across from me in a waiting room clutching his Newsweek.

Are there any books that have had a big emotional impact on you?  List 2.

Harry Potter for obvious reasons and...

Anything by MaryJanice Davidson.  She writes like people talk.  Until I read her stuff I didn't think you could do that.  And her snark is incomparable to even the snarkiest of snarky people.  Fun word, that "snark" is....

This was fun, thanks Gals!   Go forth and read! 

I'm off to try to snap a picture of Harry in his Leisure Suit...  I'm evil.

But he knew that when he married me.  I mean, c'mon, the flames shooting from the church pews as I walked by should've given him some sort of sign!

 

 

Island of Disaster...

Last night, Harry, Brian (my sister's beau), Tiffany and I headed over to my sister's newly closed on house.  Summer had purchased a wooden island for her kitchen from Big Lots.  For only ninety bucks she got a big box of wooden parts, some pegs and a variety of screws. 

While Brian and Harry lugged in the washer and dryer Summer procured from her old house in VA, Tiffany and Summer set about assembling the island.  I supervised.

Twenty minutes later, thanks to Tiffany's ability to follow directions and Summer's ability to use an allen wrench, they had basically put the whole thing together. 

Then, Harry and Brian descended. 

"Hey" Summer looked at Brian.  "Canyoushovethatothersidein?  Itpoppedout!"  Brian complied by smacking the side of the upside down island as hard as he could, jarring loose every single peg on the side that Tiffany and Summer were clinging to. 

"Oops," he said sheepishly.

Summer and Tiffany managed to get all the pegs back in place and then stood it upright.  A little wobbly, but still - it looked like a nice wooden island.

Tiffany and Summer were proud.

Harry and Brian swooped in, flipped the unit back over and spent the next twenty minutes "fixing" what was wrong with it.  Which, in man-speak is :  "I'm going to tighten every screw until I either strip the head of the screw or make a hole punch out of this cheap screwdriver."

"Well, lookie here," Harry said, holding up the screwdriver, "I made a hole punch!"

 

"How YOU Doin'?"

The past few weeks have been a bit of a whirlwind.  I think I lost my job as Editor of VoiceboxX (although I was never outrightly informed).  I was told "thanks but no thanks" by the Nelson Agency re: Super Bunny (I'm down, but not out!  I'm still pushin' on!) and I bought cute new shoes on my trip to Columbus, Ohio this past weekend with Harry. 

Okay, that last one was quite nifty. In fact, I walked away with two pairs of Polo slip-ons, a pair of black Coach mary janes and a pair of fashion-challanged-but-way-too-comfortable Mephisto sandals.  

Harry, being the uberdork that he can sometimes (often) be - came away with a complete leisure suit from a sports store in Polaris Mall.  Okay, fine, it's not a leisure suit, but it is a snow white track suit with matching "shooting shirt" and jersey bearing the name of his hero, Michael Jordan on the back. 

He then went and procured the matching snow white Jordan tennis shoes with matching gold trim.

Getto fab, but he looks so cute in his little romper outfit that I just wanna rub his belly and ruffle his hair. 

Last night we had a serious talk about our future and basically decided that we had no freakin' clue in what direction life was taking us. 

I'm starting to think that's not such a bad thing.

More later, and pictures of a rather daring dog, when I return to J-land!

Like Sister, Like Sister...

Courtesy of Summer's Myspace blog, I bring you, "Things you never want to hear from your parents..."

My dad and mom and I were watching the evening news last week.  During one segment an interview was conducted with the chairperson of a local charity.  Mr. Mike Hunt was graceful and charming.  I am sure the interview was as informative and ground-breaking as the news channel promises.  But you know me,  I had a MAJOR ADD attack. "Dad! Dad! Check out the guy's name!!"  My dad is the reigning King of Rude and Crude jokes. I had NO DOUBT he would join in my guffaws.  "OH my God!" he said.  Drema, who would never ever in million trillion years get WHY the guys name was sooo hilarious said, "WHAT? What's wrong with MIKE HUNT?  Why is that funny?" Mom was bewildred and a bit miffed at being left out of what seemed to be a great joke.  Well, I slapped my hands over my ears and my dad about spit out the rest of his teeth he was laughing so hard.  "What?!!   I don't see anything wrong with Mike Hunt.  Mike Hunt is NOT funny!!  Mike Hunt is fine."  I screamed and laughed and told her to stop saying that as I pressed my hands tighter to my ears. I really DID NOT need to hear my mother talk about ... that.  Even accidentally.

Drema was getting beligerent. "Don't tell me what to say!  I can say Mike Hunt if I want to.  I swear!  It's just a name.  There is NOTHING WRONG WITH MIKE HUNT!!" 

Mom tried really really hard to storm out of the room but her rheumatoid arthritis sorta makes her slow on her feet.  Dad and I knew she was angry with us for laughing at her.  She only made matters worse muttering about "Mike Hunt" the whole way out of the room.  I had to suffocate my giggles in a pillow as she passed me.  

I can honestly say that I will never forget that news story OR Mike Hunt. Oh yes, I will treasure Mike Hunt and the many many memories that Mike Hunt has given me for a long, long time.

"But - THEY'RE SUPPOSED TO MOOOOOVE!"

Driving along the backroads in Harry's convertible, I try not to think of my troubles.  I shove the thought of work, writing, blogging and dieting to the back of my crowded mind, close my eyes and lean my head back against the bright yellow headrest as we cruise along the streets.

Opening my eyes, I see that we're approaching a tiny bird on the road.  He's eating something from the pavement. 

He'll move, I think as we speed towards the little winged dot. He's not moving!  I realize as we gain on the small creature.  A car in the other lane barrels past us.  I look at Harry and he looks panicked. 

KER-THUNK!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" I scream. 

Harry looks panic-striken.  "That was horrible.  I feel bad!"

"It was a bird!  We killed a bird!" I yell to no one in particular. "They're supposed to move!  It's a bird law or something!  They're SUPPOSED TO MOVE!" 

"You didn't see what I saw in my rearview, " Harry said quietly as he downshifted.

"I don't want to know,"  I said.  "It was supposed to fly away."

"Feathers, legs... " he started.  

"I don't want to know!" 

"Have you ever killed a bird before?  With your car?"  he asked me a bit later.

"No!" I said, my voice rising to a pitch not usually used by humans.  "They're supposed to move!"

Now, I'm completely convinced that all birds communicate telepathically and that I will surely get pooped on in the near future: "Hey - look!  Isn't that the girl from the purple car?  Yeah?  AIM!"

Holly Da Vinci, At Your Service...

Cindy always finds the neatest things...

 

Click here to create your own painting.

Is it Friday yet?

Already this morning I've feigned intelligence twice, pretended I knew how to make copies and covered myself with catfood (some even got in my hair).  Who knew that becoming a legal assistant would be this hard?

Tonight I have grand plans, though. GRAND!

Okay, not really.  Mom and I are meeting up to go over the goods for our second yard sale (yes, we really have that much crap).  I've currently been going through my excessive purses, shoes, accessories and old jewelry and have gotten rid of a big chunk of it.  Okay, that's a big ol' lie.  I have problems letting go of my handbags.  Even though some, it's really a wonder I purchased them in the first place!

 

Okay - off to work!

Okay, did I miss Naptime?

After a week and a half of full-time employment I have figured out that all workplaces should have naptimes. 

Because I really suck at working full time.

Like, see?  It's Monday and instead of being sound asleep I'm up blogging.

Maybe I'm just a rebel.  Yes, that's it.  I'm a rebel and I'll never, never be any good...

Or I'm delirious from lack of sleep.

Naw, really I'm up because FINALLY someone contacted me and requested the first thirty pages of "Super Bunny" (yes, that's really the title of my manuscript) so I've been working on it.

So - for all you writers out there (and I know there's a few!) do I send the Prologue PLUS the first 30 pages - or do I send just the first 30 pages?

Wish me luck!

--Holly

 

Hey, Wanna Fight?

When my friend, Julie, invited Harry and I to watch the Oscar De LaHoya and Mayweather fight last Saturday I readily agreed.  Did I really want to sit for an unspecified amount of time and watch the carnage as one guy beat the crap outta the other guy for a ghastly amount of money - no.  But I did want to see Johnny and Julie and their baby Brandon who is so cute he looks more like a cartoon character than a real boy (and bounces like one, too). 

I met Johnny's cousin Michael, too.  He's a something-degree black belt and was more than a little excited to show us his fighting videos.  He smileda Cheshire cat grin and plopped a laptop onto the unsuspecting female to his right.  "Wanna see my video?" he said ominously. Amanda looked at him, doubt crossing her pretty petite features. 

"Is it suitable?"  she asked. 

He pushed play and we watched as Michael showed clips of his "training" of young Karate students.  Each one approached him wearing padding and, unfortunately, large red targets painted on their chests. 

WHAP! WHAP! WHAP! "Wait - is that a girl?"  Amanda asked as she pointed to the screen.  "Yeah, but I didn't hit her hard!" Michael said.

WHAP! "Well - that time I did," he added sheepishly.

As the opening fights on tv drew to a close and the uberexpensive seats started to fill ringside, I could see Tobey McGuire  and Leonardo DiCarprio sitting together.  I was like "Ooh, they're like real people!' I gushed to the crowd that had gathered around the tv.  Luckily, I was ignored.  After Marc Anthony finished a surprisingly well-sung rendition of the National Anthem, he and his stoic wife, Jennifer Lopez, took their seats a few down from Spidey and the "King of the World" boy.

I quickly lost interest in the celebrities du jour as the fight started and the two athletes began circling each other in the tiny ring.   I was expected to be horrified.  I was expected to be bored.  I was expected to be falling asleep and drooling on my rooting husband.  Instead - I loved it.  It was like the Demolition Derby I attended in High School where grown men smashed their cars against the other in rapid succession.  Only this time, they left the cars in the driveway. 

As the rounds wore on and I became more and more clueless as to the outcome, I started watching the four celebrities in the background.  Leo sat on his left buttcheek, mouth open as if in a trance.  Tobey, the box office king minus his nifty red long johns, blinked in rapid succession as if trying to focus on the fight in front of him.  Mucho dinero was paid to watch De LaHoya and Mayweather pummel each other with concentration plastered (as well as Vaseline) on their sweaty faces.  But instead of jumping up and down and yelling exuberantly, Tobey and Leo sat.  Apparently they can only show "true" emotion if it's expressly written in a script.

However, as De LaHoya lit into his opponent with a renewed ferver, I was surprised to see both Marc Anthony and Jennifer Lopez launch from their seats and jump in the air, screaming at the top of their lungs.  Well, huh.

It was fun.  And I got to celebrity watch at the same time.  Coolness.

I started my first day of work today.  I think I did okay.  However, I managed to break the copier and almost the fax.  Oh well, tomorrow's another day.  Unless I break my leg climbing up the crazy-steep stairs to my office.   :)

I think I'll really like it there, though.  Everyone is really nice and, more importantly, didn't get mad at me for breaking the copier, the fax, the....

 

 

G-L-A-M-O-R ous!

When my cell phone rang twice and interrupted my watching of my taped show, I was annoyed.  Rolling my eyes I answered the phone in a huff.  "Yes, Mommy Dearest, what is it?"  Thinking she was calling to tell me to come over and do something assinine like take my father to the looney bin (this request is issued often and shrilly).

"So," she said in a high voice "GLAMOUR Magazine just called for you."

"What?"  I was dumbfounded.  Did I send them an article?  Wait - did I?

"They want to publish your letter for their July issue."  What?  Did I write something in?  Why yes, yes i did!   After seeing the last edition and the "Swimsuits for all Sizes" cover story, I was like "Yeah, right!  It's going to be size ten people in 'modest' suits!"  Nope.  There were actual chubby chicks - real chicks - in swimsuits and smiles!

I dashed off a letter online and promptyly forgot.  Now, it seems, you will be seeing my name in print "Holly from Huntington, WV" in the letters to the Editor column in the July issue!  Yay me!

Oh - and I got my new front tooth.  Two crowns later, Dr. York looked at me, smiled and said, "Yes... We're gonna have to do that one again."  So, he wasn't happy with it.  I have to go back in three weeks, have MORE laser gum removal, some bonding and then re-cap my front tooth.

Yup.  My life is Glamorous!

 

 

The Exorcist, Revisisted...

Sitting there, glasses off and clutching the clammy hand of my husband, I knew things weren't going well.  The phlebotomist was wonderful, I felt no sting of a needle, I felt no pain and yet - I felt the familiar sensations.  A cold sweat popped up on my forehead and pinpricks of light obscurred my already blurred vision.

"I'm going to pass out," I said.

"No you aren't," said the nurse making me want to gather my waning strength to pick up my purse and beat her with it, all the while saying "That doesn't hurt!" WHAP! "That doesn't hurt!" WHAP WHAP!  But really, she was trying to get me un-psyched out.

So I threw up on her.

And then I was fine. 

I hate having blood taken.  I may be obsessed with reading about vampires but if I ever met one, he'd have to kill me to get my blood - no matter how hot he was...

                           

 

The Drive that will Live in Infamy

"Wanna go for a drive?" Harry said after consuming a large vat of mashed potatoes, a bowl of bread and some questionable chicken for dinner.

"Sure, but don't you need to mow the grass?" I asked.

"I'll do it when we get back," he said.  I should've known that this was a ploy for him to get out of yard work but as we hopped into (plopped into) his rather loud purple (It's called "radar blue" but it's purple.  PUR-ple) corvette, dropped the top and went cruising out the back roads.

"Can't we get to Charleston from here?"  Harry asked as we soared around a corner of Route Ten.  "Wanna go get some Maggie Moo's ice cream?"

About an hour later, we're still on these tiny, winding backroads and I've counted at least four turquoise houses, three pink ones and close to a thousand home trailers in various stages of extreme disrepair.

As we crested a hill, I noticed an enormous Raven dining on some road kill.  As we got closer, the winged beast rose up and flew to a tree.

It was a buzzard.

I don't think I'd ever seen a real, live buzzard before.  Turns out it's because all buzzards prefer to live with the hillbillies in the backwoods of WV, just so you know.

"Hey!  Look it's a sheep!"  Harry pointed to a hill overlooking the road.  He frowned and then giggled.  "Nope, that's a donkey.  Oops."

I patted his leg and said:  "Well, it takes one to know one..."

Two hours later we end up at Maggie Moo's, tired and sweaty and faced with the daunting problem at home.  Another 45 minute drive home.  But he still got me home in time to watch the most confusing episode of "Heroes" to date. 

If anyone watched that episode, please drop me an email: h0llyk911@aol.com because I have a question that has been bugging me...

Have a great day!

--Holly

PS - I'm home all day today, after the three hour car ride I had HORRIBLE leg pain all night and Harry grounded me.  He left for Morgantown today, ordering that I stay home with my legs in the air.  MEN! :)