Little Miss Muffett Sat on a ....

When one enters the sanctuary of one's own lavatory it is a most vulnerable event as - well - you can be caught - quite literally - with your pants down.   So, as I'm perched on the porcelain potty and wishing I hadn't drank such a large glass of water right before bed - I see it.  Not three feet away and dangling suggestively ---over our toothbrushes.

A pale yellow spider, about an inch long and very meaty, was dancing and swaying, weaving and bobbing as it mocked me.   "Watch me!" It seemed to say, "watch me as I put my spidery legs really close to the bristles of your toothbrush.... I eat bugs!!! YUM!!!"   

I'm stuck - mid-pee.  I can't move.  I'm not wearing shoes to throw and since my aim is only as good as myopic vision is, I wouldn't have landed my foe anyway.  

I formulate a plan on the fly, grabbed some two-ply, fluffed it across the necessary region with one hand, flushed, and grabbed a squirt bottle with the other one. 

There, in my bathroom, with my lime-green Kmart sweatpant pooled around my pink feet, my "I love you!" post-Valentine-day mark-down panties nestled in the floor, I sprayed the spider with fifteen short bursts of water.   

Which it laughed off in tiny non-audible spidey laughs and crawled behind the freakin' mirror.  I had missed.  

And now must sleep with one eye open in fear of retaliation...

Until we meet again, Spidey, until we meet again....