A Boil Water Advisory was issued for most of Huntington today. A water main break that flooded streets, drowned businesses and almost threatened the pastry of a very important baby shower at my day job left most of us in a tizzy. The morning after the break that shall live in infamy I awoke groggily while smacking my alarm clock (three times) and went through my morning routine. Showering, shaving various forgotten and winterized appendages and brushing my teeth liberally I sat down in front of the television to catch the weather while I downed my bowl of frosted mini wheats.
I noticed then that a scrolling caption was warning all of Barboursville and Huntington to not drink the water. The very water that I had immersed myself in just momentarily ago.
I calmly sat my bowl of cereal aside, flipped open my pink phone and dialed my roaming gnome-esque husband.
“Hi!” he said in a much too chipper voice. As if he didn’t know that I was facing dire circumstances with my poor but hygenie-conscious choice to bathe!
“Hi, honey,” I said. “They’ve issued a Boil Water Advisory for our area. I just took a shower and brushed my teeth.” I paused to draw in a breath. “Am I going to die?”
He roared with laughter so loud I’m sure he woke up his hotel-lodging neighbors.
“No, you’re not gonna die. Just don’t drink it.”
“I brushed my teeth. No, really. I can’t afford to lose any more teeth! Am I gonna lose my teeth?”
“No, you’re not gonna lose your teeth. And if you do, I’ve got a good dental plan! Now, about this car thing that I’m going to talk about until you turn blue in the face and your ear falls off …” Okay, fine, he didn’t say that last part but he does love to peruse the new car lots and that means I will be subjected to car salesmen of every type and manner. No thanks. I’d rather my teeth fell out.
But I digress.
I continue on to work that day, subtly checking the rearview mirror to ensure that my freckles were still intact, my teeth were still tight in their gummy beds and that my hair wasn’t molting. By the time I get to work I find outthat a certain large and non-local bakery is unable to make the cake for the baby shower that was to take place later in the day because they had no water. They have aisles full of bottled H2O but had no water. They had large kitchens – but no place to boil water. Hmm.
But we didn’t complain less they actually make us a cake with something other than bad water. Picking out a pre-made cake the shower went off smoothly and the expectant mother was happy – or too polite to say otherwise.
Arriving home I run to the kitchen, arm myself with two large pots and fill them to the brim with water. Getting most of the liquid on myself, the floor and the counter I managed to wrestle each of the containers onto the waiting burners and watched for the pot to boil. However, the old adage was true and I found myself instead tuning in to watch the latest on Heath Ledger’s tragic death while the water boiled on the stove.
I was very proud of myself as I walked over to the stove and reached over the rapidly boiling pots to turn off the heat. And that’s when it happened. A rogue wave curled from the (hopefully) bacteria-free water and popped – landing right below my eye!
I screamed like a banshee on helium and hopped around the room, slipping in puddles and very nearly doing an impression of a sub-par gymnast as I found my legs sliding in opposite directions as I continued to hold my hand over my burnt eye.
“YEEEEOOOWCH!” I yelled as I grabbed the counter, righted myself and glared at the obscene pots of devil water.
“That hurt!” I said, my voice full of accusation.
Luckily I am one of those folks who can find irony in just about every situation, so the fact that I was boiling water to help my health and ended up almost losing an eye was just too good to be too mad over.
I can only hope that the ban on water will be lifted tomorrow and as long as it’s not replaced with a tornado warning or a blizzard watch, well, I think I’ll be safe. As long as I stay out of the kitchen.