Saturday, December 22, 2007

And then - I lost it

Some days are ones you'd rather forget.  Rather to have not lived it at all.  If God issued "Do-overs" - I have no doubt that many other religions would happily convert in order to take away that one bad day.

Friday started off with wardrobe malfunctions where my sweater seemed to eat my neck and rub my pop-over boobs raw.  And then - I started to feel - odd.   I was going to pass out and I was all alone in my office.  So I shakily wandered to my 7-month pregnant co-worker's office and sat in her chair.   She laughingly assured me I'd be fine. And then - I lost it. I vomited in her trashcan.  Repeatedly.  

Harry then picked me up for lunch and held me in the floor of the bathroom while I held a hairdryer to my legs to get warm. I couldn't get warm and shook in odd convulsions.  

I had a doctor's appointment that afternoon so I wasn't too concerned about calling to ask about the reappearance of my breakfast, the shakes, and the weird clammy feeling that was hitting me in intervals of every ten minutes.

We waited for two  hours to get to see my doctor, who is the nicest man on earth (in scrubs) After using a hand-held device to find the baby's heartbeat the doctor had me get dressed and go across the hall to the Ultrasound rooms.  Using the "vaginal probe" (I hate the word for that) he showed me my baby.  

It looked no different than it did at 8 weeks.

Only this time there was no fluttering - no heartbeat. 

And then - I lost it.    But only internally.   I managed to hold it together outwardly for all general purposes.    Getting dressed,  I half-listened as the doctor began talking about the procedure I was to endure.  He explained it in more detail than necessary and I tried to focus on the one ceiling tile that was different than the others.   It was very important to me to be strong- to not show emotion over the loss of life that had happened inside me.  I tried not to think of the blame that I was lying on myself for being flippant and struggled not to question the incubating process that I thought my spic-and-span-never-had-a-single-STD-uterus would have no trouble with.

"It just didn't grow," the doctor said.  

"Yeah," I said.  "So when do I go have this done?  Will your staff just call me after the holdiays?" 

"I was thinking more like tomorrow.  There are risks...."  he went on to explain the bleeding-out process - and then - I lost it.

Two prescriptions and more tears than I ever thought possible, and all washed down with a caffeinated Pepsi (why not?), I woke at four a.m. to head to the Outpatient Center at the local hospital. Four hours later and I was sore, emotional and no longer going to be someone's mom. 

I can't even begin to tell the torment of the last day and a half.   My body was revolting against the no-longer-there-baby and was therefore making me sick and dizzy.   I knew, in a way, that it wasn't going to happen.  I knew, too, that if I were a crackwhore or a meth addict that I would have no problem carrying full term.  It's just another lesson of "life isn't fair." 

For now, I'm taking some time to heal, in more ways than one, but probably won't be online much for a bit.   I have truly enjoyed all the well-wishing from my online friends and know that I appreciate it all in more ways than you'll ever know.   So have a Merry Christmas and - even though I'm not the most religious person on earth - a few spare prayers in my direction wouldn't hurt.



sharonna1955 said...

im so sorry holly .i dont know what i can say to make you feel better ...Sue said...

You'll definitely be in my thoughts, Holly, and I will keep you there for as long as it takes.  And, don't worry, you will be somebody's mom someday.  

Stay sweet and try to let us know when that wonderful smile of yours returns.  Until then, though, we'll be thinking of you.


amy122389 said...

Oh, honey....  :-/  

::hug hug hug::  

that....just really really sucks.  I'm so sorry.  I've been through a miscarriage before.  I cried for a week straight.  :-/

have Harry give you a hug from me - and give him one, too.....I bet he's feeling sad, too...


princesssaurora said...

Oh Holly... I am sorry.  I have been there, too.  I know you feel like you will never be okay and ready but you will.  And, Harry won't really 'get it', so be ready for that, only another woman truly understands... truly gets the emptiness.

Hugs and love and many many prayers coming your way.  

be well,

dragoneyes1164 said...

Im so sorry Holly. My thoughts are with you & Harry.


gazker said...

Dearest Holly, as I read this entry, I thought maybe you were telling a dream, unfortunalty, you weren't. Holly, I am so sorry, deeply sorry that you have gone through this. My thoughts will be with you and also Harry this Christmas. I too aint the most religious person, but I am going to pray for you.
Try and have a good Christmas, some how though, I think your mind will be on other things.
Hugs of love and warmth to you my dear friend.
Gaz xx

rusrhi said...

Holly I just wanted to let you know you both will be in my prayers.

lazarai said...

Aw, POOP, Holly -- I'm sooooo sorry to hear this news!! Religious I am not, but you and Harry will be in my thoughts...

Take care,
Big hugs,

beckiepainton said...

Im so sorry to hear this my friend, what a awful thing to happen, i will keep you in my thoughts , best wishes, Beckie x

cheshirecat578 said...

Awh, Holly, I'm so sorry. Words can't even begin to describe. I'd say I'm here if you need me, but I know I'm not what you need. Thoughts and prayers- Beth

ad5k said...

You're right, life isn't fair. God bless

jmoqueen said...

I'm sorry to read this Holly xx  ((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))


shininggoober said...

   This has got to be the hardest thing that you have been through.  Have a good cry, Holly.  Have several, they'll help.  Somehow the pain eventually eases some.  Dammit!  I was SO looking forward to hearing about your pregnancy.It was bound to be funny, with your sense of humor!  I'm not trying to make light,  I just wish I knew what the hell to say... thinking of you both... Donna