Friday, October 14, 2005

BIG TOP, PEE WEES and other corporate matters

So, just when I start thinking that the armpit of Corporate America is NOT the firm for which I work, KABLLOOOEY, it blows up in my face! The aftermath which is the stench of decaying old people (which my office does, in fact, reek of on a daily basis).

Our office morale is the lowest it has ever been in my years of employment. We have gone from jovial days of working and playing to drone-like hour-by-hour torture sessions fearing to speak or squeak that we may be struck down by the "man."

Their oh-so-brilliant answer to their steaming employees complaints of ill-tidings?

Fire one of us.

Make an example.

Rule with fear.

"Welcome to Hell, please wipe your feet and leave your morals and values at the door, please."

So, I was called into the conference room today, apparently one of the partners had deemed it necessary to tell me, personally, that my co-worker/friend had been fired/"offered the choice to resign."

Duh. Like I didn't know that.

Yet on and on he droned, like most corporate professionals, he sooo loved the sound of his own voice, and I was forced to sit and stare.

I nodded occasionally, really, I was beyond livid, and I could not stare directly at his clown-inspired multi-colored shirt and tie in fear of an onset of severe nausea.

He then looked at me and said "We want you to continue doing a good job here... You know that Evaluations are coming up."

Oh Good Lord, help me from strangling him with his Krusty the Clown inspired neck tie!

Heaven forbid if I should be deemed "unacceptable" as a receptionist!

What were they going to do to me if my phone answering skills were not up to par? Not acceptable phone ettiquette? Not able to fax things at the speed of light?

Fire me?

Or worse yet, what if I wasn't given a raise? Oh lordy me! Last year I got less than a frickin' quarter. Gee Whiz! Don't take THAT much money away from me! I would be broke! Phoebe would starve! I would have to buy - discount handbags!

Don't think so.

Know what? They can keep their damn quarter this year. They can buy themselves new clothes, ones that don't look like they've been ripped out of the closets of the Ringling Brothers' Barnum and Bailey Circus.

Or at least buy the shoes to match... now THAT would be entertaining...


tenyearnap said...

A truck driver would amuse himself by running over lawyers. Whenever he saw a lawyer walking down the side of the road he would swerve to hit him, enjoy the load, satisfying "THUMP", and then swerve back onto the road.

(at this point some of you are probably wondering how the trucker could distinguish the lawyers from the humans. Obviously he saw the trail of slime they left!)
One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road.

Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay", replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

tenyearnap said...

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? DEPENDS ON HOW THIN YOU SLICE THEM.