Tuesday, September 27, 2011

You Again?!?!

"You again?!?!" the very large doctorman/young Santa said as he strolled through the doors of Exam Room 3.

"Yup. Me again," I tried to smile but doing so made the right side of my face howl in pain. So I grimaced at him oh-so-attractively.

"Another sinus infection?!?! " he said. I was wondering if he spoke in non-question mark/exclamation points to other patients or if I was just lucky.

"Yup," I replied wittily. (<--- Sarcasm. Right there. SAR-CAS-MMM).

"This is getting to be an every three month thing. Are you sure it's a sinus infection?" he asked me, the patient. I stared at him for a second and then smiled/grimaced again.

"No, not really. I don't feel sick at all. I'm just swollen from my nose to my cheek. It's hard to see really, 'cuz of my chub-" I paused here as I realized I either just insulted his poofiness or - referred to my face as a happily erect penis - "but you can see my glasses leave a crater in my face. I thought it was just a mondo zit!" I finished up the embarrassing statement with what I thought was a very astute observation about my knowledge of medical terms. I mean, "Mondo Zit" has to be in some medical book somewhere. Maybe "Facial Deformities for Dummies"?

"Well, let's see..." He then probed my ears, throat and - ew- nose. "I could do this all day and still go to dinner!" he exclaimed proudly.

"Yeah," I agreed. "I get pooped on once a week and it still doesn't curb my appetite." I silently willed myself to shut up. A lot.

I smiled/grimaced again.

"I think you either have the beginning of a sinus infection or you have a skin infection..." he went on to describe various gross things that could be happening within my sinus cavity to cause the swelling on my face. "I'll write you a prescription for something that should take care of just about everything it could be..." he said.

"Thanks," I said jumping off the table as fast as a fat girl possibly can and grabbing my mom purse.

"You're welcome!"

"And I guess I'll see you in three weeks!" I joked as I scurried down the hall, grimacing, smiling, and clutching my purse. I could hear him chuckling as he strode down the hall to the next room. I can now rest assured that I would be a topic of conversation at someone's dinner table tonight.

I called Harry as soon as I got outside the doors. "Well - I either have a sinus infection or a skin infection or maybe even something like an infected hair..." I said.

I paused, waiting for him to say "Oh sweetie! I am so sorry! I will take care of you and the baby when I get home and you can just relax oh and by the way I am so sorry I complained all day on Sunday and Monday and left still complaining about my sore throat when you were obviously struggling with an infection that has left you lame and swollen up like the before picture of a bee sting victim. I am soo soo sorry. Sorry. I am. So. Sorry."

But what did I get?

"Ewwwww!" he exclaimed.

So I've decided to start Halloween early in order to cover my deformity. I will be the girl in the Toyota Sienna minivan wearing the Gorilla mask and beating my husband with an over-stuffed banana.

Thank you.


Amber said...

Could be allergies? I used to get a nasty cold every few months until finally a doctor suggested Zyrtec. I don't get sick anymore as long as I take it.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha...I know your recent "stuff" has been no joke but you always make it funny. Why aren't you writing for a TV show? I'd watch anything you wrote for.

I always choose doctors who are on the chubby side. No sense going to some skinny one who harps on the weight all the time.