Monday, October 10, 2011

Eye for an Eye

Three hours spent sitting in an exam chair, trying to memorize the eye chart before the doc lumbers in is really no way for a relatively young person to spend her day. I finished TWO books while waiting and had used all three of the mirrors in the exam room to fix my eye make up, my lipstick and my hair.
I was the picture of perfection.
And impatience.
I huffed, I snuffed, I puffed and I tantrumed (internally) until the doctor came in and declared my eyes no longer icky (I paraphrased him. A lot).
"Give her an eye rinse and then we'll try some lenses..." he muttered and walked out of the room. He had barely cleared the door when I was instructed to tilt my head back and look down. What happened next has only been documented in Chinese torture cells before - the woman --- SQUIRTED MY EYE WITH WATER!
"Aaaack!" I choked as I fluttered my eyes and gripped the chair.
"Next eye!" she half-screamed at me in a sing-song voice.
No sooner had I dabbed the dribbles from my right eye did she start spraying my left one. Her aim was less than stellar as I felt the water pool in my cleavage and nestle close to my earlobe.
When it was over and I was being consoled by another assistant, one that I had bonded with when I admitted to her that I was off Seasonique as it was "The Devil's Birth Control," she asked if I was okay.
I stuffed my bra with tissues (the first time since middle school) and fanned myself with my Sookie Stackhouse novel.
"I feel like I was just accosted by a clown with a seltzer bottle!" I said as I continued to mop up my person.
She started at me for a beat and then we both dissolved into mutual hysterical laughter.
So, the moral of the story is, even if you have to wait for three hours to see a doc and you're sprayed in the face by a sadistic nurse with a Bozo fetish, please try to keep smiling - after all - no one really wants to wait on you anyway. :)

PS - I'm in trial contacts now. If I "fail" the test these next few days - I'm banned from Bausch and Lomb for 6 weeks. If I fail it again and my eyes revolt and start resembling raisins again - I will be out of them for 6 months. Failure for the third time is the final straw and I will then be forever known as "Melancholy Holly and the Four Eyes of Ick."

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