Eye for an Eye

Three hours spent sitting in an exam chair, trying to memorize the eye chart before the doc lumbers in is really no way for a relatively young person to spend her day. I finished TWO books while waiting and had used all three of the mirrors in the exam room to fix my eye make up, my lipstick and my hair.

I was the picture of perfection.

And impatience.

I huffed, I snuffed, I puffed and I tantrumed (internally) until the doctor came in and declared my eyes no longer icky (I paraphrased him. A lot).

"Give her an eye rinse and then we'll try some lenses..." he muttered and walked out of the room. He had barely cleared the door when I was instructed to tilt my head back and look down. What happened next has only been documented in Chinese torture cells before - the woman --- SQUIRTED MY EYE WITH WATER!

"Aaaack!" I choked as I fluttered my eyes and gripped the chair.

"Next eye!" she half-screamed at me in a sing-song voice.

No sooner had I dabbed the dribbles from my right eye did she start spraying my left one. Her aim was less than stellar as I felt the water pool in my cleavage and nestle close to my earlobe.

When it was over and I was being consoled by another assistant, one that I had bonded with when I admitted to her that I was off Seasonique as it was "The Devil's Birth Control," she asked if I was okay.

I stuffed my bra with tissues (the first time since middle school) and fanned myself with my Sookie Stackhouse novel.

"I feel like I was just accosted by a clown with a seltzer bottle!" I said as I continued to mop up my person.

She started at me for a beat and then we both dissolved into mutual hysterical laughter.

So, the moral of the story is, even if you have to wait for three hours to see a doc and you're sprayed in the face by a sadistic nurse with a Bozo fetish, please try to keep smiling - after all - no one really wants to wait on you anyway. :)

PS - I'm in trial contacts now. If I "fail" the test these next few days - I'm banned from Bausch and Lomb for 6 weeks. If I fail it again and my eyes revolt and start resembling raisins again - I will be out of them for 6 months. Failure for the third time is the final straw and I will then be forever known as "Melancholy Holly and the Four Eyes of Ick."