Wednesday, August 3, 2005

WMD's in the Workplace

So - let's see.

This morning my curling iron turned on me and whapped me, through no fault of my own, of course, upside the head to leave a nice bumpy red mark on my freckled forehead. Harry blamed it on bad karma since I had just finished laughing my ass off at him for tripping over the space heater while simulaneously ripping the towel rack out of the wall - all the time wearing a bath sheet.

Then, I was attacked while sitting in my chair. This creepy crawly mult-legged thing rushed me, whizzing right past a co-worker and aiming for my naked feet (my cute Coach sandals were under my desk) like a bug on a mission. I squealed and then foamed it up with some ancient bug spray. Now, I was happy, bug-less and seeing spots. Small price to pay.

Last, but not least, a wasp the size of my left foot lands on my arm. I freak and swat at it and then run down the hallway waving my arms like an air traffic controller. My office mates didn't see the problem. They were unconcerned that there was a Wasp of Mass Destruction trying to eat me. I went back to my desk, sprayed around until my throat was raw and sat down, warily.

The WMD returned - he was scoping me out from the window behind my desk. I grabbed my spray and snuck up to him - he spotted me and flew right at me! Divebombing me - I rolled to the left and sprayed him as he flew past my ear. We were at war.

He stopped - perched on the glass of the double doors in front of my desk and flexed his three inch long wings. I raised my weapon - and fired!

He took this opportunity to mock my ancient bug spray and LAND ON MY FRIGGIN' LEG. I squeled, screamed and believe I may have even cursed in some ancient language before spraying him with a huge burst of poison WHILE HE WAS STILL ON MY PANTS. Hopping around, I scooped him off of my leg with the bottom of the can and while he struggled on the nasty carpet, I sprayed him again, and sat the can on top of him.

Exactly two people, out of an office of sixteen came to my rescue: the girl deathly allergic to bees and wasps, and the 80 year old "I've been practicing law since the time it was still carved into stone slabs" lawyer. He moved the can, stepped on my foe six times before we were sure it was dead.

I thanked him for coming to my rescue and for his bravery.

He said " I have to be brave - I've been married for 56 years."


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