Thursday, August 4, 2005

Five-pound Bag of Karma, please...

Why do skinny people feel the need to complain to overweight ones about the size of their apparently vastly increasing middles? I swear, as soon as their scale tips even slightly, one tick mark up one pound, they gather their biggest box of tissues, a bag of rice cakes and pound on the door of their heaviest friend.

My bud, whom I love dearly (most of the time), just sent me a long sprawling email, detailing her last office visit and her new take on the Battle of the Bulge. She has, apparently, gained five pounds. Her concern, in my mind, equals out to... let's see... one of my mammoth boobies. "No more cakes, pies, ice cream or candy," she solemnly swears in her email mission statement. "I have always been skinny and plan on staying that way," I read - eyes wide in horror. She rattles on, paragraph after paragraph of misspelled and mishandled words and sentences that reiterate her extreme distaste in her overflowing middle. I picture her, sitting on the couch, bucket of frozen bon bons in hand, Dr. Phil on the tv and looking very much like a paler version of the 1950's Blob. And all of this imagery was born out of a multi-tiered complaint of being "too fat."

How do I respond to this?

"I feel your pain, however, you are now one of us, and you know what they say? Once you go fat, you never go back!" ; "I'm so sorry - but - at 98 lbs - I always thought you were a bit of a - well- a cow. Sorry, but someone had to say it."

Or I could be truthful: "I am sorry for your unloss - but - you brought it upon yourself by not eating healthy and by lying on the couch watching b-rated movies instead of exercising a la Olivia Newton-John." Hee hee (evil laughter).


Now, don't get me wrong - I am not poking fun at skinny people. I think it's great that they are able to resist the funnel cakes, and whipped cream sundaes and hot dogs that the world has to offer in abundance - and I can totally understand the plight of these same people to maintain their weight. I just don't get the rationale of complaining - in intricate detail - to the most inappropriate sources. I would not care at all if this was a paragraph among others in a lovely email correspondence that dealt with everyday things and then a small mention of improving her diet and lifestyle. More power to her skinny ass.

So am I just shunning the ways of the tiny folk?

Should I be more sensitive to them and their "ohmygawd I am sooooofat!" ways?

Or do I pour hot chocolate over them and eat them like a People Sundae?

With a cherry on top?

Dilemma, for sure.....

By the way, the bad karma mojo that I drummed up by writing this Piece of Fat de la Resistance of mine manifested itself into yet another wasp the size of a banana which promptly disappeared after my foaming it into a tiny Satan Claus and then running down the hallway again. My guess - it's sneaking up behind me, Igor-like - hell-bent on stinging me between my Payless Sandal encrusted toes - his mission fulfilled, he can then go to that giant wasp nest in the sky....

Karma's funny like that, you know. It can bite you in the ass when you least expect it or just make you jumpy and freaky , always preparing for that payback bite from hell.

For now, I will wait, looking like a woman who is inflicted with both Terrets and ADD and who is twitching and jumping at every noise.


I have GOT to get out of here...

Any ideas?




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