Bitchy Bitchy Bitchy Me

"You've become more of a bitch since Harry's been born," my husband said to me while turning the wheel of "Bessie" our Toyota Sienna "Holy-crap-I-bought-a-min-van" mini van.

"I have not!" I defended myself immediately. And then paused. "I just hate stupid people." I paused again. "And slow moving people... And people who can't seem to get out of my way when the kid is screaming or hungry or tired or... Okay, fine - I'm a bitch." I resigned.

"You yelled at that waitress," he pointed out, continuing to beat a dead horse.

"I did not!"

"You said 'GO GET OUR FOOD!'."

"Well," I crossed my arms and huffed. "Well, she was trying to tell me that it took thirty minutes to make a piece of GRILLED chicken and a SALAD. And then when I said that it shouldn't have she just kept repeating it was in the window and that chicken takes longer to cook and IT WAS IN THE WINDOW! So I merely suggested she GO GET IT!" I concluded my rant and sat back against the leather seat while my husband digested my obviously dignified line of reasoning.

"You were a bitch," he giggled.

"Yeah, well she was an idiot," I said huffily.

Since becoming a parent I have found that my filter has loosened. Whereas before I would've just left the restaurant or complained gently to a manager, I now found it necessary to blow up and turn green like the freakin' Incredible Holly-shaped hulk in order to put people in their place for slighting my child. Maybe it's stemming from a childhood filled with "respect your elder" speeches and "be seen and not heard" and all that - or maybe my hormones are just flexing their feminine wiles - I don't know.

But - she really was stupid. I mean really, really stupid. Case in point. Harry ordered "Two chicken breasts and two sides of mashed potatoes."

The idiot's follow-up question? "What do you want for your second side?"

Harry stared at her until one of his eyes dilated more that the other. I mean, she was so incredibly useless that he couldn't even fathom her level of uselessness.

For all I know, had I not ordered her to "go get our food" she would have stood in the middle of the diner and continued to explain why we hadn't gotten our food for ANOTHER 3o minutes.

And then, well, then I would've had to have cold-cocked her with my giant Mom purse.

And I guarantee - she wouldn't have woken up for at least ---- 30 minutes. :)