Crisis averted, I went back to gaily chatting with my Bostonian and Pittsburghian aunts since I didn't get to see them very often.
"Wow, that's shiny!" Big Harry said as he looked down at the floor.
I pulled myself away from the conversation. "What did you clean it with?"
"That Swiffer stuff you bought." I was impressed. It must've been hard for him to wrestle with that big bottle attached to the Swiffer mop but I just smiled and let it go. Until I stepped on the newly clean spot and did a quick three second impersonation of a hippo in flight.
"What the hell?! That's SLICK!" I yelled as I continued to slide around ungracefully.
"I know. I wish the whole floor looked this good," Harry said as he gazed hauntedly at the shiny patch of oak flooring.
A few days later I was filling the dishwasher and opened up the under-the-sink cabinet to grab a handy Cascade pack when I saw a shiny canister. I stopped. Thought. And then called my husband.
"Hi. Where'd you get that Swiffer cleaner from?"
"The cabinet under the sink."
"The shiny spray canister?"
"That's FURNITURE POLISH!" I said slowly, hoping he would get that he turned our living room into a free for all skating rink.
"No. No, it's not."
"It says, 'For Wooden Furniture' right on it."
"It's wrong," he said.
"It's wrong? The can is wrong?"
"Yes. It's floor cleaner. Not furniture. Floor," he repeated.
"Is it your plan to try to kill me? Or are you just trying to get us to glide around in sock-feet all day like in 'Risky Business'?" I asked.
"That one. The 'Business' one."
I know they make child-locks for cabinets to make them childproof - but do they sell husband-proof ones, too?