I didn't buy a new dress, open a bottle of "bubbly," or even put on extra eyeliner or lashes for the occasion.
I watched my two year old fall asleep on his daddy's lap, snore so loud he drowned out the droning of Carson Daly and then went to bed.
There were fireworks outside my window, but I couldn't be bothered to go to the window, part the poor excuse for a curtain (a Transformer's Blanket - remodeling is FUN), and gaze upon the heavens.
Why so glum?
I think it has something to do with the damn ball drop.
Every year I watch.
And every year I am sorely disappointed when the freakin' thing does not crash to a million pieces at the stroke of midnight.
I want it it to be a glass shattering, gravity defying mess as it plummets to the ground like a giant, angelic Pokemon ball full of shrapnel.
And then, amazingly, no one gets hurt!
Except maybe Jenny McCarthy - and even then - just in her forehead, just a teeny scar so that it won't look so vacant all the time.
But I digress.
I want a ball to drop.
During the Ball Drop.
So here's my proposal:
How to Ring in 2014
by HOLLY SHIVEL
- Gather up as many dunk-tank Carnival booths as we can find this side of the USA.
- Stick 'em in Times Square.
- Gather up all the singers, politicians, writers, anchors, reporters, actors, actresses and Big Wigs and convince them to "volunteer" their time.
- Sell balls to the masses for $1 each.
- The clock strikes midnight.
- The masses kiss their lucky $1 balls that they might be the one to hit the target and dunk Christina Agu-a-layra (I can't spell her name and can't be bothered to learn), or Cheney, or Anderson Cooper, or Christian Bale (WET. HE'LL BE WET. AND COLD. I CAN'T STRESS THIS ENOUGH - BATMAN WILL BE WET!!!), or even Justin Bieber and Kathy Griffin (together in one tank - that'd be priceless).
Following this new, and improved, method people will be able to actually have fun in Times Square on NYE, I will get to see Balls Drop (metaphorically and literally) and I will have solved the deficit.
And maybe the Fiscal Cliff.
Whatever the "f" that is.
You're welcome, Americans.
You're - welcome.
HOLLY SHIVEL FOR PRESIDENT