Open the (Flood) Gates and Sieze the Day!!!!

"Hey, what the- ?!" Harry yelled for me to come look. Usually this is the exclamation that follows a rather interesting pile of cat vomit. Which, as any of you who are fond of felines know, sometimes, you can't figure out what the hell Mr. Kitty has eaten and then regurgitated for your viewing non-pleasure.

Rolling my eyes, I troop down the stairs and shriek when I step on soggy carpeting. No, really. I scream like a 50's housewife that has just seen a mouse. The carpeting, already ugly on it's own, is now sopping wet. We don't know what to do. We're first-time home owners.

We call the plumbers. They tell us "Okay, so your basement is flooded. Okay. We'll be there sometime next week." Greeeeeat. Look for the bloated corpses floating in the ten feet of standing water you over-priced assmongrels!

We call a heating and a/c guy. We don't know what's going on and since our humidifier was leaking earlier - we figure it's just gone tidal wave-ish on us.

He looks like a non-blue papa smurf wearing company issued overalls. He looks in at the unit. Gets a flashlight and then makes his way to our little-used bathroom off of the air hockey table room. He shines a light around and then looks at us.

"You're toilet's broken." He smiles. "That'll be sixty-five dollars." To his credit, it was a holiday and it was after hours AND he turned off the leaking valve. But still - sixty-five dollars! That's six really cute throw pillows from Pier One! Grrr!

Luckily for us, we have friends in the Water Damage Business, and, even though that sounds a little like a Sopranos business, it's really quite a nifty company. They came over and sucked our carpet (Hey! Tenyearnap! That's still fun to type "Sucked our carpet"! Oops and a little perverted, too! )and left big Smurf-like snail dryers to de-soak our rug. Let's hope it works...

After all the big spiders that I see in my house normally, I'd hate to see the size of the one that was mutated by mold! AGH!

Irony and the Tinkle Tango

I dribbled some peach cobbler down the front of my shirt last night while sitting at the kitchen table. I looked around to find a napkin. Not seeing one handy, I used one of those little cards that fall out of magazines to scoop the cobbler off my chest. I glanced at the card: "How to Fight Obesity."

Hmmm.

I went to the little girl's room today at work. I had chugged a Sprite earlier and was now chugging along trying to run to the bathroom before I left a tinkle trail to the toilet. I had to undo a two-prong belt, unbutton a button, release two clasps and then unzip before I could find release.

If I have an accident today - I blame Tommy Hilfiger.

My mother just called to warn me that my father has joined my hubby in my front yard. They are pulling out the dead bushes and other suicidal shrubberies. Neither are very coordinated when it comes to manual labor. I fear one (or both) may come back missing a few digits.

Finally, Harry Potter is being released next Friday and, for shame, I already have tickets! I plan on getting the best seat, grade school kids be damned!

:)

I'm evil.

Deal with it.

How I Spent my Monday Evening

Forgive me Readers, for I Have Sinned....

My confessions for last night, Nov. 7th, 2005:

1. I didn't stop for gas even though my tank was so low it sputterd while I was driving up the last hill to my house.

2. I ate an ENORMOUS plate of spaghetti for dinner. Then went back for seconds. And Peach Cobbler. With ice cream. And then... a few bars of fun-sized Heaths.

3. Sobbed while watching a Kodak commercial. A room full of kids are trying to "hear" the pictures. A little old man stands alone, in front of a picture of (sniff, sniff) his wife and (sob, hiccup!) stares wistfully.

4. Watched Dirty Dancing, Havanah Nights. Loved it. I even clapped like a holy roller when the big dance number ended, much to chagrin of the sleeping kitty on my lap.

5. Couldn't watch the HBO special "The Making of" Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I was scared of seeing too much. In the past few years I have begun to hate how the film companies show you the entire film before you even step foot into the theater.

6. Drank a HUGE glass of ghetto grape soda before turning in... without brushing my teeth. Then, got royally pissed when I had to get up an hour later, stumble to the restroom due to grape pop-filled bladder.

 

Now, what are YOUR confessions?

Hmmm???

 

The Pursuit of Lunch, Life, and Liberty

My blog is worth $0.00.
How much is your blog worth?

How funny is that?  My blog - IS WORTHLESS!

ahahahahaahahhaaaa!

So - lemmie just share with ya'all another WORTHLESS anticdote of my WORTHLESS life to put in my WORTHLESS blog (okay - really, I'll stop - no more pity parties - sniff sniff).

The state of West Virginia, land of the WORTHLESS-named states (no, really, I'm done, swear), requires that all vehicles be inspected on a yearly basis.  This will somehow ensure that the people of WV do not drive unsafe vehicles (my guess is that the ban is lifted in Lincoln County - those people drive Flinstone-esque trucks down the main highway!).  Great. Wonderful.  Whatever.

I go to Jiffy Lube.  "OUT OF STICKERS, PLEASE COME BACK."

I go to Firestone.  "Yeah, uh, we's outta people to put 'em on."  Yes. I was turned away for lack of "sticker-putter-on-ers."

I go to Sears.  "Uh, we don't do that 'till November."  "Um, it IS November."  "Not until LATER in November."  "Ohhhhh."  Clear as mud.

I go home and while driving home, try to come up with reasons why I haven't had my car inspected even though it ran out a little bit ago - AUGUST.

Today, I am running late for work, but still find the time to switch out my purse since carrying the same handbags two days in a row is, I'm sure, blasphemy in the Fashion World.  At lunch, I order my healthy meal at Wendy's drive thru:  a cheeseburger, fries and a frosty ( My DIEt up and died.  RIP.).  I look in my cute Ocelot purse - NOTHING.  Not a bit of cash or plastic in sight.

Luckily, I had grabbed my paycheck and my bank - on the other end of town - let me cash it. 

So, now - I'm driving around sans inspection and license.

Yeah baby.  I'm livin' dangerously.

(WORTHLESS!) 

"Ms. Otis regrets she is unable to dine today..."

It is a mortifying reflection for any man to consider what he has done compared with what he might have done.

--Samual Johnson (1709 - 1972)

It is not what you are; it's what you don't become that hurts.

--Oscar Levant (1906 - 1972)  Humoresque (film, ad-libbed)

 

 Yes, once again I have pulled that too large book off the shelf and become immersed in the depths of its crisp pages and found so many truths that it actually pained me to close it.  Mainly because I dropped it on my foot, but I digress.  The first thing that amazes me is that apart from the few Woody Allen quotes I have found, most of the most profound thoughts were uttered by men and women alike long dead and gone from the world as we know it today.  Most I have never heard of, some, I knew of them, but was not familar with their popular medium.  Now, with the aid of my large book-o-quotes, I feel as if these people were somehow better than us.  That they had either simpler minds, or more complex minds that manifested into a phrase or uttering that was never tossed in to recollection before.  So - is this something that is a chance - that because they were here first - that they got "first dibs" on the profound and sucked the well of intellect dry before we were even born? Is this even a bad thing?  Or should we count our lucky stars that our time can be spent doing more fruitful things like shoe shopping or killing demons on  a mod'd xbox?

But back to the quotes above - I went on a tangent as I'm prone to do and got a little lost on the way - it happens and my sense of direction sucks in real time so on a page - well - you're on your own to muddle through - but I'll try to help. Promise.

These phrases, essentially, have to do with the "what do I want to be when I grow up" question that we all face.  And not just the end result of:  lawyer, bus driver, lion tamer, nuclear fissionist, fluffer, whatever.  But the decisions that we make that end up coming all together in a nice little fleshy pie that we call "me."  I have regrets.  Tons of them.  My guess is ya'all do too.  Like not taking that job offer two years ago.  Like getting married too soon.  Like not taking a chance and putting your heart on your sleeve and going after that one person who could "complete you" like in Jerry Maguire ( and MAN is that one phrase that has wornout it's welcome in general conversation!), or maybe your biggest regret is the thing you did do - like your best friend's boyfriend, or girlfriend. My regret to date is that I have no accomplishments in my professional life.  None.  Nada.  Zilch. I am a receptionist.  I hate admitting that to people. I tell them that I work in a law firm.  They don't ask too many questions after that.  I guess it sounds more intimidating than what it really is.  My intimidation ends when my power to hang up on you also ends.  I wield the power of the dial tone.  Wow.  I better get ready for my Superhero Endorsements to start rolling in.  Receptionist Girl with extra Dial Tone Power.  Sounds like soap. Anyway back to my lack of drive, determination, mild ADD, whatever. I figure that someday, hopefully before I hit 30 and my life as a care-freeish gal ends, I will get struck with inspiration or a prophet or muse will smack me upside the head with my mission in life. 

Until then, I have some Jimmy Choos to browse. 

Is that a Catepillar on your face, or are you just happy to see me?

Saturday night, Harry and I threw a Halloween party for a few of our closest buds(pictures above by Chris! Thanks!). About an hour before everyone was set to arrive, I sat down in front off the mirror and began to transform myself from "chubby-cheeked girl next door" to "Holly, the Black Widow Sorceress." First, I curled my hair - for oomph. Then, I mixed my normal foundation with a bit of white cake make-up which instantly turned my nose into the Sahara. Ew. I caked on some goldy-orange eyeshadow, black think eyeliner and an oddly alluring red and black mixture for my lips (which wouldn't stay put and kept ending up on my cheek). After taking down my rollers I then started applying these HUGE false eyelashes that I had purchased at HOT TOPIC. I thought they would be fun.

I thought wrong.

Twenty minutes later, I was wrestling the second one on to my lid, trying not to muss my eyemakeup while applying what looked like a mutated catepillar to my eye. I finally got it on. But then came the big problem. They weren't even. My left lash line started about half way across my lid, while the right one was snug in the corner. I had to remove one. Pulling on my temple, I grasped the wooly-wormish eye-piece and pulled. Nothing.

I pulled a bit harder.

Nothing.

At this point my eyeball is starting to feel a bit floaty, like, at any moment it's going to fall out and end up in my lap. Which grossed me out and made me flinch - and ripped the damn lash off. Now most people, at this rather painful point would have given up, laquered on another coat of mascara on their god-given lashes, but, no, not me!

I trooped on.

In the end, I had perfectly scary, drag-queen-esque lashes, a long black dress, matching spider web jewelry and - a lopsided updo.

"Oh well," I thought, lobbing bobby pins at my reflection, "can't win 'em all."

I left it down and stuck a big' ol skunk-like black streakin it. Messy fun.

 

The party was fun, we had a guard and her prisoner there, a witchy fairy, Druscilla and Spike ( didn't they break up? Where was the slime demon?), Britney Spears (pig-tail era) and her beau Scotty (of Eurortip fame - complete with speakers playing "Scotty Doesn't Know"), a damsel and her man, and a few others.

Prior to the guests arriving we locked Phoebe up in our bedroom just in case she would decide to make a break for it and try to escape. Lo and behold, about an hour in to the party, here she comes traipsing down the stairs looking like she owned the place and arriving fashionablly late. I still don't know how she reached the doorknob...

We set up a fog machine in front of the fireplace - it was really cool. When the light turned green, you could push a button and a little puff of fog would come out and coat the ground.

Or so I thought.

I happily pushed the button and WHOOSH! all this smoke came pouring out! I tried to fan it away from where the biggest gaggle of guests were standing using the bat wing sleeves of my dress for propulsion, but it was really no use. I just ended up looking like a deranged over-sized Batman toy.

Everyone laughed and pointed.  A well-deserved taunt, I guess.

:)

The next day I woke up with a headache and an upset tummy.

I really think it's possible to O.D. on artichoke dip, lemon bars and ghetto grape pop.

Ughhhh.

Happy Halloween ya'all!

 

READ THIS OR MY HUBBY WILL EAT YOU LIKE A PLAIN CHICKEN SANDWICH SMOTHERED WITH KETHCUP!!!

Tidbits ....

( I started this awhile back - so some "bits" of the "tids" may be slightly outdated - but they were too funny to rewrite - so you get it all!  Enjoy!)  

1. Must start with a story that was recounted to me last night by my dear bud, Stacey.  Seems that her puppy, Oz, decided that it would be fun to mess with Stacey's mind a bit.  Somehow prior to their twenty minute walk around the neighborhood, Oz affixed a sticker to Stacey's butt.  When they got back home, she found it (her roommate pointed it out) and read it :"Squeeze me, I Squeak." 

2.  I went to lunch today with two other people.  I was the only female.  I was the only one NOT wearing pink underwear.

3.  I somehow got stuck in the middle of a conversation comparing pretzel sticks and male genitalia size.  I was slightly curious, mildly appalled and a tad hungry when the discussion ended. 

4.  I had macaroni-and-cheese for breakfast yesterday.  And today.

5.  I smelled the expired milk today - twice.  Embarressed to admit that I contemplated the "How Expired is it?" question a few minutes too long.

6.  Took home a stack of fashion magazines the size of a small fort home yesterday from work.  None of them were over two months old.

7.  Am supposed to be working at the current moment.

8.  Got addicted to Rainbow flavored Nerds in June.  Kicked the habit ... by August.

9.  I once killed two large houseplants just to watch them die. 

10.  Put pink lipgloss on my kitty yesterday because she seemed to enjoy it and got in the way during a makeover frenzy among friends.

11.  Love to work Impossipuzzles - no edges, no distinct pattern and five extra peices that fit nowhere.  It's a challenge - and it's name is "Cows in Boots." 

12.  I hate to clean. 

13.  Would eat pizza every day, if allowed.

14.  Have an unhealthy obsession with all things Harry Potter.  Bought a "mischief managed" tee and have been too embarrassed to don it in public.

15.  Hate all things natural:  bugs, trees, dirt, non regulated temperature, hair color. :)

16.  Have an older sister - who looks younger.  How fair is that?

17.  Would paint murals on every surface in the house if hubby would let me.

18.  Am never temperate.  Hate the heat, hate the cold.  I'm bi-polar - but - ya know - not in crazy way.

19.  Currently am reading anything I can get my hands on by Mary Janice Davidson - her characters are snarky and speak like "real" people.  I didn't know you were even allowed to write like that.  Plus, her love scenes pull no punches.  They are so steamy, they practically wrinkle the pages.

20.  I keep a black and white picture of my niece at my desk in an ornate gold frame.

21.  Went to Border's the other day and let him browse through books and magazines.  Then I took him to Kaybee's and he picked out a toy car.  THEN we went for milkshakes at Sonic.  I was  baby-sitting.... my dad.

22.  I really do think that there are things in my closet and under my bed ready to eat me if I turn out all the lights when I'm home alone.  Not my fault, really.  Grew up on the Corner of Elm Street.

23.  Managed to squash a brand new pair of expensive Oakley sunglasses with my ginormous rear-end.  It was Harry's fault... somehow.  :)

24.  Was singing the oh-so-catchy xmas tune :  "I Wanna Hippopotamus for Christmas," when Harry decided to be cute and join in - only he changed it to "I Wanna Hollypotamus for Christmas."  I sat in the floor and cried until I laughed.

25.  Was once carded at an "R" rated movie - I was 21.  The only "of age" one in a group of younglins.  My curse will be a blessing when I'm 40.

26.  Played Harry Potter Scene It with Harry the other day.  Was going to mercilessly whip his cute butt like I did when I put the smack down during Family Guy Uno (Blast you vile hubby!  Wild Card!) - but he beat me - twice in a row.

 27.  Am still supposed to be "working."

28.  Can only sleep if someone is in the bed with me.  Rather that be man, sister, or furball is not of my concern.

29.  One of my boss' think that an appropriate morning greeting is :  "mint, please"  followed by a hand gesture of receiving.  To this day - have refrained from giving him a hand gesture of my own.

30.  My elbows are so dry right now- they're bright red.  With the rest of me being so pale, am worried of being recruited to guide a sleigh.

31.  Contemplated buying the  Billy Blanks Contact Bag in which one kicks and punches their way toa healthier bod.  Worried that I would confuse it with a Buffy episode and just watch it with a tub of popcorn.  So I passed.  Crisis averted.

32.  My  hubby can go out, buy me an outfit head-to-toe - and - miraculously - it will fit. I could do the same - and it would look awful, and make me look like a stuffed sausage.

33.  I have no clue how to change a tire.  Luckily, I married into AAA.

34.    I saw the movie "SKY HIGH."  Loved it.

35.  To this day, there are times when I still break into songs from the movie "Newsies."  What a film phenomenon that was.  Sigh.  Christian Bale, whether in a bat suit or a newsboy cap - delectable!

36.  Once, to my utmost horror, used the incorrect version of "your."    

 

--- and that concludes our Feature Presentation of "What I Always Knew About Holly but Was Too Afraid To Ask." :)