Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Advice to my Overly-Pregnant Friend

Ways to get a baby man to leave his womb:

1. Talk to your belly. Ask him to rub your feet. And then do a load of laundry. And bring you a coke. And...

2. Tell him how happy you are and how you want him to stay with you forever and ever and never ever leave.

3. Eat a salad.

4. Start talking about your past menses.

5. Wear only pink clothes.

6. Fry chicken. Lay it on your lap. Tell him he can have some if he comes out.

7. Listen to Alanis Morsette on repeat. "jagged little pill"!

8. Tell him you'd like to "talk."

9. Light a smelly, girly candle and dim the lights - any guy would run from that!

10. And finally, if all else fails, ask him for money to buy craft supplies.